The Sports Brewery

Woot woot! The Winter Olympics!

Posted on 12. Feb, 2010 at 12:10 pm by Meerkat in Olympics

So a little sarcasm can be detected in the title. Oh well. Sorry, but most guys like me just don’t give a hoot … or a woot … about the Winter Games. And that is mostly because I’d rather continue to watch basketball (NCAA that is) on a daily basis.

Yes, I do get that Olympics are a gathering of the greatest athletes in the world that do amazing things in the cold. But, if you run down all the events that ESPN suggests that you watch, they just don’t seem that exciting. So I will crudely breakdown the suggested events by the fellows at ESPN …

Feb. 12
Opening ceremony: If I watch this, I’m hoping Wayne Gretzky skates out by himself in full hockey gear with a puck … then, suddenly a goalie (maybe Patrick Roy?) and net appear on the opposite end of the arena … stage is now set for a dramatic one-on-one penalty shot.  Now THAT would get me to the edge of my seat and drive me to hoist my beer up and say “Fuck yeah Canada! … that’s how you open this party!”.

After the duel, all the other stuff happens, you know … the Olympians stroll around the arena waving and such, a big light show, some artsy stuff, the torch lighting (the order could be completely backwards, shows how much I know).  Time to turn the channel.

Feb. 13
Men’s downhill: If you ain’t a skier, like I’m not, then this gets old after 2 mins if dudes aren’t face-planting into the snow.

Women’s freestyle skiing: Moguls: Chicks doin flips and twirls … I watched about 8 mins of the Winter X Games, this seems like a re-run.

Men’s speedskating, 5,000 meters: Ugh, dudes skating around in a circle until somebody makes a move at the end.  I pass.

Feb. 14
Women’s skiing, super-combined: Chicks skiing downhill.  Pass.

Men’s luge: Dudes flying down some tube at breakneck speed, this is kinda intriguing for a little while … and there will be crashes galore.

UPDATE: not so funny now, I guess.

Women’s hockey: USA versus China: U.S. Women are dominate in this event, but why do I wanna watch women’s ice hockey?

Feb. 15
Men’s short-track speedskating, 500: Ugh, more guys skating around in a circle.  Pass.

Figure skating: Pairs free skate: Pairs skating.  Hmph.  Unless it’s Beyonce pairing up with say …. Christinia Aguilera … then I will be channel surfing.

Feb. 16
Figure skating, men’s short program: If I land on this when Johnny Weir is skating, I might have to stay and find out how outrageously gay this guy will be on the Olympic stage.  If you haven’t heard yet, he was the inspiration to Jon Heder’s character Jimmy MacElroy (with the bird-like hand) in Blades of Glory.

Okay, I have now just typed myself into watching this movie tonight with some beers.

Men’s skiing, super-combined: Dudes skiing down a hill … dudes possibly wiping-out.

(here’s an example)

Men’s hockey, United States and Canada make Vancouver debuts: Whoa!  Now were talking!  I can hunker down and watch some NHL All-Star teams play against each other for some precious medals.

Women’s luge: Chicks flying down a tube at silly speeds.  Possible crashes.  Maybe.

Feb. 17
Alpine skiing, women’s downhill: Females flying down a hill on skis … nope.

Men’s speedskating, 1,000: More dudes skating around in a circle.

Events are beginning to get repetitive.

Luge doubles: Seriously?  Two dudes on a luge?  Double the crash potential. Not sure on this one.

Men’s snowboarding/halfpipe: Shaun White will be doing all kinds of crazy acrobatics here.  This is worth 10 mins to find out what he does.

Feb. 18
Men’s figure skating, free skate: More Johnny Weir!  Super-flamer-on-blades (not that there’s anything wrong with that) plays underdog for U.S.A. and attempts to steal the show (and probably cosmetics from the females).

Women’s snowboarding/halfpipe: Chicks doin flips & tricks in a halfpipe.  Pass.

Feb. 19
Men’s skiing, super-G: More dudes skiing down a hill.  Yawn.

Men’s skeleton, medal night: Whoa!  This could be exciting. Serious crash potential!

(check out these skeleton/bobsled crashes)

Feb. 20
Women’s skiing, super-G: Yawn.

Men’s speedskating, 1,500 meters: Enough speedskating already.

Short-track speedskating, men’s 1,000 and women’s 1,500: See previous entry.

Cross-country, 30K pursuit: This could be interesting actually … to see these peeps huf-it-out over long distances for a possible rally at the finish.

Feb. 21
Men’s skiing, giant slalom: Yawn.

(time for another gratuitous ski crash video!)

Men’s hockey, rivalry day: Canada vs U.S.A!!  Finally something to get really pumped for … tsssssccchh … beer-in-hand worthy.

Feb. 22
Ice dancing, free dance: Ice-dancing?  Really?  Household chores are more fun than watching this silliness.  Also, refer back to Figure skating: Pairs free skate.

Women’s hockey, semifinals: It’s hockey.  But it’s females.  Pass.  Sorry ladies.  Not really.

Feb. 23
Women’s figure skating, short program: Hope you have a second TV … because the significant other may command the tube for this event.

Feb. 24
Alpine skiing, women’s slalom: Yawn.

Women’s freestyle skiing, aerials: Yawn.

Women’s bobsled: Yawn.  Wait a second — it’s bobsled.  Ahhh, screw it.  Pass.

Feb. 25
Women’s figure skating, free skate: Again, hide the remote or the lady friend might find this interesting.

Women’s hockey, gold-medal game: If it’s U.S.A. vs Canada or Russia, then I might tune in for the final 10 mins.  Or maybe I won’t.

Men’s freestyle skiing, aerials: Dudes & skiing again.  Pass.

Women’s skiing, slalom: Chicks & skiing again.  Pass.

Women’s curling, medal night: Curling is always intriguing for 20 mins because I only see it once every 4 years and it looks a bar game that you can’t play in a bar (well, maybe in Canada you can).  Seriously though, if I had a large stack of cash I’d open up a sports bar where you could play pool, shuffleboard, and curling.  No doubt in my mind I’d have the curling area visible by the whole bar and maybe even via webcam.  Why?  Because imagine a bunch numskulls tryin to curl after pounding some pints during happy hour.  This idea is a moneymaking machine.  People will roll in after HH everyday just to watch the debauchery.

Big night in short-track speedskating: No more speedskating please.

Feb. 27
Men’s curling, medal night: More curling!  This one is a coin-flip because I might be curled out from watchin the women.  I just don’t know.

UPDATE: don’t wanna watch curling? … then play this version online!

Men’s skiing, slalom: Ugh.  No more skiing!  How many ways are there to go down a hill?

(if they are gonna keep creating more skiing events, here’s my suggestion for a new one:  douse the skiers in fish blood, then have them race down a slope that is only a slight incline and thru a forest, thus giving the purposely-starved-polar-bears a chance to run them down if the competitors happen to hit a tree or lose their balance and fall)

Men’s bobsled: Bobsled!  Crash potential!  Ahhh … okay, I give it 3 mins.

Feb. 28
Men’s hockey, gold-medal game: The top 2 NHL All-Star teams left battlin.  I can watch this.  Especially if U.S.A is playing for G-O-L-D!

(time to get fired up boys)

Closing ceremony: Bye, bye Winter Games.  Until Russia 2014.  That’s 4 years to stock up on vodka.