Yeah I’ve been gone for a minute, I’m sure you all missed me. I wish I had some cool story about ‘finding my inner me’ on some backpacking trip through Europe while having copious amounts of unsafe sex and ingesting any and every drug I was handed, but I don’t. Alas, my computer is a bitch and I crashed into a wall called ‘apathy’ along the way.

What’s weird is that in the two weeks or so I laid low in the blogosphere, like a ton of shit happened. Like, a ton, man. So with all that said, I’m three beers, a cig and a Quaalude deep tonight, so it’s possible I ramble on for longer than this song, so you got that going for you. I guess?

Let me just start off by saying that after the Rose Bowl, I had a “clean month.” No booze, no Nick-o-Teen, barely any sex, went for a couple of jogs, ate carrots and apples, lifted heavy items repetitively. It sucked. I literally feel no healthier today than when I went to bed on January 2 hammered and glowing from the Ducks win in Pasadena. Now I know all that stuff is bad for you, but I’m really starting to doubt it’s actually that bad.  Probably another left-wing conspiracy from that Muslim Obama and his American-hating justices that Newt was talking about. Has to be. Planned Parenthood probably plays a part in this as well, maybe.

So that whole “Chip Kelly to the Bucs” deal was wild. Started off as a tweet from Portland, and BOOM, just caught fire. Of course the easy thing to do was just play it off as a rumor, but come on now. We all know Chipper is better than us. We are dating out of our league here with the Visored one. Hey, I have no problems with that at all, Chipper is bigger than probably 5-6 jobs in America. And I’m not just talking about college football jobs either… I mean Chip is so big, that in the middle of an economic downturn, UW started throwing cash around like D Miles in a strip club and poaching coaches from the Pac-12 brethren like no one’s business. USC got so hard off of pulliing the biggest upset in program history and chinking the kings crown a tad, that they started an actual Heisman campaign for the bumbling Matt Barkley (come on Trojies, you don’t trust him in a big spot either) and have visions of a national title run dancing in their heads. OSU…well…they uh…worked really hard the right way to do whatever they do between rock-paper-scissors competitions. Point being, it was huge news. When he was gone, the entire west coast breathed a sigh of relief, which made his ‘return’ all the more enjoyable. Lots of people woke up that Monday feeling way worse than they did when they went to bed on Sunday…

What started next was weird, it was like class warfare within the Oregon fanbase. All of a sudden if you believed the ‘rumors’ (come on ya’ll, that report not only had legs, but they were already bronzed and sweaty from the Tampa heat and humidity) you were a bad fan. If you thought Chipper was a dick, you were a bad fan. Now I’ve never been divorced, but that’s almost what it felt like. While you were at Wholefoods buying grapes and oats, he moved out with his tennis instructor. And when you get dumped for a prettier lady, I aint gonna get mad if you curse the bum on the way out the door.

But, fortunately for us, the king did in fact return. Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Oh hey, Arik Armstead committed to Oregon.

Yessir, you know you did the exact same thing when the news broke before a world hanging on to his every word.

Signing day came and went, and contrary to some occasional C-Walking, I don’t really get too into it. Oregon signed a good class, blah blah blah. But, it just seems like stalking teenage boys, errr I mean, following recruiting closely will eventually drive a person crazy.

So…how about that hoops team? And no, not the sorry Blazers, those plucky Ducks. Altman has his antagonists sitting thiiiis close to the top spot in the league (though, I’m not sure that’s something to brag about this year) with a HUGE game tonight in Boulder against the Buffs. After the Ducks beat UCLA to get to 6-2 in the league, some tourney talk started to come around. My take was get me to 8-3 in league, then we’ll talk. After vomiting all over themselves against the beavs, the Ducks got it together in the second half and put away the shitty Utes in Salt Lake City. So…beat CU, get to 8-3, talk tourney. But, of course those dick-heads in Colorado had to get a blizzard to blow though and delay the charter flight by about 12 hours. Homecourt advantage is one thing, but getting the nimbus clouds to conspire against your opponent is flat out bush league. There I said it. If Oregon loses, it’s the weathers fault, and the tourney committee will most likely agree.

Back to Altman for one second, you digging him yet? Now, Ernie left a steaming pile of feces in his wake, but I’m still iffy on Dana. What are the Ducks good at? What is his style? In a perfect world, would they score 90 a game, or be a team that slows it down and plays lock-down defense? I honestly have no clue, do you? For his sake, it better be the former, because the latter aint selling here in Eugene. Even if he’s a consistent tourney team. Face it, Nike, Chipper and the Blur Offense have made us even more spoiled than we were a couple of years ago. Oregon is a “sex and cocaine” fan base, and there is nothing wrong with that. We want to be entertained, talked about and get our Pit Bull on at every sporting event. As frustrating as Big Ern was, when his teams were rolling, they were as fun to watch as any. Altman’s teams set offense back 50 years every other game. Maybe winning cures all of that, but I doubt it. MKA isn’t even a year and a half old, and yet no one is going to fill that place up. It’s flat out empty most nights. I’ve only been to three games this year, so I’m as big of an offender as any, but I feel no ‘need’ to go. It’s boring and bad basketball, sorry. And if you look at the roster and who is returning next year, is it getting any better?

But whatever, Go Ducks, don’t want to be a fake fan or anything.

As I finish another beer after ‘dry January’, I’ll leave with some Josh Hamilton stuff. We all know the story, but where do you fall on it? Is it newsworthy? Any of our business? That was a rather heated debate on twitter the other night, to be sure. I fall in the camp of it most certainly being newsworthy. He was out in a bar, no one was poking around his ‘man cave’, so I have no issues with papers/ESPN running with it. His demons with addictions are probably something every single person reading this has dealt with in some way or another. The disease is no longer this ‘hush, hush’ deal that it used to be. Who knows, maybe an embarrassing episode leaking to the media may have extended Mickey Mantle’s life?  I’ve yet to talk to one person that wasn’t pulling for Hamilton 110% to get a grasp on his issues, and his lapse was a sobering reminder to all that there are no ‘off days’ when it comes to fighting off the ugly monster that is substance abuse. His presser Friday afternoon was great, my respect for Ian Kinsler and the Rangers organization that stands behind him at every turn is through the roof.

As an aside, remember when thisguy was like a ‘thing?’

This brings up so many questions. Is this common place in Wisconsin? Just going for a nice leisurely Sunday drive with Grammy, and all of a sudden you’re just dodging chicks pissing on the side of the road like it’s no big deal? That’s disgusting. Notice how all the guys actually ran up the little hill, so they could pee in privacy? And they are infinitely more equipped for the roadside piss. That is proof that not only are chicks lazier than guys, but we are 100% smarter. Seriously, if I have the option of peeing in a crowded thicket, or along the 110 in Rose Bowl gridlock, I’m choosing the thicket every single time. See this is why I don’t ever want a daughter. The thought of them pulling a stunt like this already keeps me up at night.

PS-I’ve been on those bowl game charters, you know a month in advance when the bus is heading for the stadium, so you empty your bladder on the way from your room. Which begs the question of who had worse clock management; these ladies, or Bret Bielema?

Okay, okay, for those not familiar with the legend that is HuskyJive, let’s get you acquainted. Gold here. Gold here. And more gold, here.

I wonder if he would still take Sark and his 6 and losses a year over Kelly, his 3-peat and Rose Bowl win? Oh who am I kidding, of course he would.

Also, looks like he whiffed a tad on the “Sark will win a Rose Bowl before Kelly prediction.” Though, giving up 172653 points to Baylor, could be his squads jumping off point!

Okay, back on point. We all knew the Doogs would go into full spin mode once Oregon won the Rose Bowl on Monday, but this is glorious.

Highlights:

Yes, it is Oregon fans that are delusional about the state of their program…

This angle may be my favorite of all time, seriously.

Again, I love this angle. Husky fans (and Jive in those previous threads) have always stated that the 2002 Fiesta Bowl win over #3 Colorado didn’t mean anything, because it wasn’t the Rose Bowl. But now…now that it’s convenient, they downplay the 11-3 Badgers. Interesting. Though, that is a slippery slope, as UW beat an 8-4 Iowa team in the 1991 Rose Bowl, an 8-4 Purdue team in the 2001 Rose Bowl and lost to a Michigan game that came into the Rose Bowl with 8 wins in 1993. So really, does Husky fan want to go there? I know they hate reason, logic and tangible numbers, but they can’t completely ignore them. Well, all the time that it.

This is fun as well, Oregon and Nike clearly paid De’Anthony Thomas to come to Oregon. I mean, just watch him play, he totally doesn’t fit the Oregon offensive scheme at all. Kiffy had it right all along, you can’t allow that kid to play offense, he’s just not cut out for it.

Something tells me that a guy like Jive doesn’t know any “media internals”, and no that Ruth chick on RealDawg.com does not count.

Oh, and Jive has buddies within the NCAA, as he knows when the Lyles investigation is going to end. And people, it’s going to be awhile, the NCAA is serious!

Never stop being you, Jive.

In summation: America, believe, buzz word, buzz word, cut taxes, great, America, reduce waste, create jobs, values and America.

Hey you have to give him some credit though, the obligatory “wear the attire of the common folk of and smile with them” scene in the barn was pretty touching. It’s like Craig James just gets Texans, and Amurika, ya’ll.

From 9/10/11 vs Utah

From 9/17/11 vs Syracuse

Seriously guys, that is in freaking September. Even Oregon State fans show up the first couple of weeks, before their dreams are dashed. Pathetic. It’s amazing that between Fright Night of 08 and November 19 of this year, when the Ducks decided playing the first three quarters was overrated, no one heard a peep from the fickle and transparent USC fan base. Now all of a sudden, you guys want on the bandwagon and are playing it off as though you have been driving it the whole time. Sorry guys, but as ‘Sheed would say — tape don’t lie.

But, what else should we really expect. SC fans have also all been “Clippers for life” as well…

Jason O. Watson/US Presswire

Huff Po – Toddlers in North Yorkshire have been banned from performing actions to the nursery rhyme Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, in case it offends deaf people. Bosses at the Sure Start children’s group in Acomb are reported to have introduced the ban after realising one of the hand actions could be misconstrued as a rude gesture. The issue — identified after staff attended a sign language course — is said to be that the hand gesture used for diamond resembles the official sign language sign for female genitalia. As such they’re worried that continued use of the gesture could offend deaf children or deaf parents — despite their not currently being any at the group. Unsurprisingly the move has been criticised by parents, with one mother telling the Telegraph: “These are innocent little children just making a sign to show a star. “No-one would give it a second thought. Now every parent may worry their child may be making an offensive gesture when they’re singing this song.” However, a spokeswoman for City of York Council, which is responsible for the group, said it was ‘a sensible decision taken to prevent deaf children or deaf parents being offended’.

The pussification of society is moving with such force these days, it’s contradicting itself now, and becoming the anti-pussification. Seriously though, how old are the kids singing ‘Twinkle’Twinkle”, like 5? Call me crazy, but I doubt they are really taking their midday nap giggling amongst themselves about that “Shiny Vagina” song they just grooved to. More to the point, if some 4 year old deaf kid knows tha the class is acting out a song about glittery snatches, that’s their problem, and they probably have awful parents.

First this anti-pussification movement targeted the mighty and powerful Oregon Ducks, but now the children? I weep for the future of this world. Part of me thinks this is just all made up by a couple of deaf people, just to screw with all of us that take functioning ears for granted. Because it’s not like we’re every going to call them out on it, that’s probably bordering on a hate crime these days…

What’s next, banning ethnically diverse bears (?) from gesturing to ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider?!?!?’

Daily Targum – In a graduate class dedicated to writings on race between the Civil War and the Harlem Renaissance, an email was sent by a white doctoral student — an instructor within the department — to the students in class whom she perceived as white. This email invited “her fellow non-racist racists” to a private, guilt-free viewing of 1946 musical “Song of the South” in her home, where together they could engage in celebratory mocking of stereotyped 1940’s images of southern blacks. This was an event hosted by a “ragtime/minstrel loving fool” who was due “for some rollicking Disneyfied Ole Darkeyism.” The postscript read, “If you do come, hooch is most welcome, as are strawhats and other Darkeyisms. I might even buy a watermillyum if I get enough interest.” It specified who invited guests should bring, given that “I might yell racist things at the TV.” The author of this email articulated the hope that the experience would be a “communion with her shamefully preferred era of Disney.”

OOF! Um…I mean…what do you say when you’re the one that got caught putting together the “Racist Rutgers Fest 2011″ in your living room? I’m guessing there’s really no way to explain it, right? And no, this wasn’t taken out of context, as celebrating  “rollicking Darkeyisms” is pretty hard to misconstrue…  See this is one of the problem with career academics, a lot of them think waaaaay too hard about shit, and assume they can just chalk everything up as being an “educational tool.” I’m pretty sure even the burnt out stoner that dropped out of Roosevelt Middle School would be able to take one look at that email and come to the realization that it’s racist as fuck.

This should be an “educational tool” to all the doctoral/Ivy and academic elites out there. Listen, we all know you’re going to have your exclusive fraternities and recreate at clubs that only allow the blonde haired and blue eyed, but keep that on the down low. No need to blast out an email to the “white-sounding students” about celebrating their awesomeness and scoffing at “darkies.” It’s just a bad look.

Welcome to Rutgers: Middle of the pack football, but leading the Big East in racism since 1766.

Why disable embedding capabilities and the ability to comment on that video? Seems weird, right? I thought John was just doing what any great journalist would do in that situation? It was hard-hitting, timely and straight to the point. Remember when Mrs. Canzano jumped on the soap box and started playing the “Communist card” within the comment section? Yeah, remember, if don’t allow Mr. Canzano and other journalists like herself to ask questions, we may as well be living in communist China. Sure we all scoffed at that nugget, because, well, it’s absurd. But nonetheless, it’s interesting that we (stupid every day people) can’t dare cut off the line of open dialogue (which was a ridiculous notion to being with)  because then we’re commie’s. But now the open dialogue within that video’s comment section has been shut down completely? It must be different when a journalist does it, I guess.

And hey, I’ll give Mrs. Canzano a tip of the ole’ ball cap for sitting there, defending her husband and responding to some questions and statements yesterday. But, to come back and sever all lines of communication seems more than just a little hypocritical if you ask me.

But again, eye lik teh futbal, so i probeblee donet no wat hipocriticul evin mens.

It’s not even that big of a deal, just find it amusing.

John Canzano at Pac-12 Media day. (Watch it before it disappears as well…)

STL TODAY.com – Rams linebacker David Vobora was awarded $5.4 million as a result of a suit he filed against a company for supplying a contaminated supplement.

The NFL suspended Vobora for four games in 2009 after testing positive for a banned substance, which was found in the supplement.

U.S. District Court Judge Rodney W. Sippel of the Eastern District of Missouri ruled that Anti-Steroid Program LLC, also known as S.W.A.T.S., intentionally misrepresented the supplement. The judgment includes lost compensation from the four-week suspension and marketing opportunities and $2 million for damage to Vobora’s reputation.

“Vindication,” Vobora told the Post-Dispatch. “That’s the single word I’ll continue to use. From the get-go, my lawyers and I were on the same page about that. Compensation was secondary. The number one thing was to right the ship and restore my reputation.”

Vobora said he followed the steps that the NFL suggests before taking nutritional supplements. He called an NFL hotline set up for players with questions about supplements and consulted supplement experts. Before taking the S.W.A.T.S supplement Ultimate Sports Spray, Vobora studied the company’s website, which had endorsements from more than 50 NFL players and coaches.

Despite the precautions, Vobora tested positive for the banned substance methyltestosterone, which was independently found in the S.W.A.T.S supplement.

Dude gets 5.4 Million in this deal, and gets the satisfaction of being able to say that he was clean and he did actually get boned by the supplement company. Oh and did I mention the dude is a Eugene native? Graduated from Churchill High School and was the very last pick – “Mr. Irrelevant” – in the 2008 draft. I gots to give big ups to my man David Vobora for coming out on top in this one. The song below is dedicated to David Vobora and the final “truth” coming out

A couple of things that went through my mind right off the bat. First off all, we’ve all been there. Shitty drunk and going to sleep hoping that you’re not bleeding internally from all the tumbles. Drinking and walking is straight dangerous. I broke the 5th metatarsal in my right foot in two places just walking back from Pints and Quarts up in Lacey, WA 2 years ago. It just destroyed my hoops game. I went from 2001 Vince Carter to 2011 Vince Carter in one quick misstep. Secondly, I hope that’s what I look like celebrating 13 Ducks games this fall, instead of just 12 like last year. Lastly, I can’t tell if that guy looks more like the dude from Hitman after a nice killing, or John Canzano after every Duck rumor hits the interwebs?