Yeah I’ve been gone for a minute, I’m sure you all missed me. I wish I had some cool story about ‘finding my inner me’ on some backpacking trip through Europe while having copious amounts of unsafe sex and ingesting any and every drug I was handed, but I don’t. Alas, my computer is a bitch and I crashed into a wall called ‘apathy’ along the way.

What’s weird is that in the two weeks or so I laid low in the blogosphere, like a ton of shit happened. Like, a ton, man. So with all that said, I’m three beers, a cig and a Quaalude deep tonight, so it’s possible I ramble on for longer than this song, so you got that going for you. I guess?

Let me just start off by saying that after the Rose Bowl, I had a “clean month.” No booze, no Nick-o-Teen, barely any sex, went for a couple of jogs, ate carrots and apples, lifted heavy items repetitively. It sucked. I literally feel no healthier today than when I went to bed on January 2 hammered and glowing from the Ducks win in Pasadena. Now I know all that stuff is bad for you, but I’m really starting to doubt it’s actually that bad.  Probably another left-wing conspiracy from that Muslim Obama and his American-hating justices that Newt was talking about. Has to be. Planned Parenthood probably plays a part in this as well, maybe.

So that whole “Chip Kelly to the Bucs” deal was wild. Started off as a tweet from Portland, and BOOM, just caught fire. Of course the easy thing to do was just play it off as a rumor, but come on now. We all know Chipper is better than us. We are dating out of our league here with the Visored one. Hey, I have no problems with that at all, Chipper is bigger than probably 5-6 jobs in America. And I’m not just talking about college football jobs either… I mean Chip is so big, that in the middle of an economic downturn, UW started throwing cash around like D Miles in a strip club and poaching coaches from the Pac-12 brethren like no one’s business. USC got so hard off of pulliing the biggest upset in program history and chinking the kings crown a tad, that they started an actual Heisman campaign for the bumbling Matt Barkley (come on Trojies, you don’t trust him in a big spot either) and have visions of a national title run dancing in their heads. OSU…well…they uh…worked really hard the right way to do whatever they do between rock-paper-scissors competitions. Point being, it was huge news. When he was gone, the entire west coast breathed a sigh of relief, which made his ‘return’ all the more enjoyable. Lots of people woke up that Monday feeling way worse than they did when they went to bed on Sunday…

What started next was weird, it was like class warfare within the Oregon fanbase. All of a sudden if you believed the ‘rumors’ (come on ya’ll, that report not only had legs, but they were already bronzed and sweaty from the Tampa heat and humidity) you were a bad fan. If you thought Chipper was a dick, you were a bad fan. Now I’ve never been divorced, but that’s almost what it felt like. While you were at Wholefoods buying grapes and oats, he moved out with his tennis instructor. And when you get dumped for a prettier lady, I aint gonna get mad if you curse the bum on the way out the door.

But, fortunately for us, the king did in fact return. Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Oh hey, Arik Armstead committed to Oregon.

Yessir, you know you did the exact same thing when the news broke before a world hanging on to his every word.

Signing day came and went, and contrary to some occasional C-Walking, I don’t really get too into it. Oregon signed a good class, blah blah blah. But, it just seems like stalking teenage boys, errr I mean, following recruiting closely will eventually drive a person crazy.

So…how about that hoops team? And no, not the sorry Blazers, those plucky Ducks. Altman has his antagonists sitting thiiiis close to the top spot in the league (though, I’m not sure that’s something to brag about this year) with a HUGE game tonight in Boulder against the Buffs. After the Ducks beat UCLA to get to 6-2 in the league, some tourney talk started to come around. My take was get me to 8-3 in league, then we’ll talk. After vomiting all over themselves against the beavs, the Ducks got it together in the second half and put away the shitty Utes in Salt Lake City. So…beat CU, get to 8-3, talk tourney. But, of course those dick-heads in Colorado had to get a blizzard to blow though and delay the charter flight by about 12 hours. Homecourt advantage is one thing, but getting the nimbus clouds to conspire against your opponent is flat out bush league. There I said it. If Oregon loses, it’s the weathers fault, and the tourney committee will most likely agree.

Back to Altman for one second, you digging him yet? Now, Ernie left a steaming pile of feces in his wake, but I’m still iffy on Dana. What are the Ducks good at? What is his style? In a perfect world, would they score 90 a game, or be a team that slows it down and plays lock-down defense? I honestly have no clue, do you? For his sake, it better be the former, because the latter aint selling here in Eugene. Even if he’s a consistent tourney team. Face it, Nike, Chipper and the Blur Offense have made us even more spoiled than we were a couple of years ago. Oregon is a “sex and cocaine” fan base, and there is nothing wrong with that. We want to be entertained, talked about and get our Pit Bull on at every sporting event. As frustrating as Big Ern was, when his teams were rolling, they were as fun to watch as any. Altman’s teams set offense back 50 years every other game. Maybe winning cures all of that, but I doubt it. MKA isn’t even a year and a half old, and yet no one is going to fill that place up. It’s flat out empty most nights. I’ve only been to three games this year, so I’m as big of an offender as any, but I feel no ‘need’ to go. It’s boring and bad basketball, sorry. And if you look at the roster and who is returning next year, is it getting any better?

But whatever, Go Ducks, don’t want to be a fake fan or anything.

As I finish another beer after ‘dry January’, I’ll leave with some Josh Hamilton stuff. We all know the story, but where do you fall on it? Is it newsworthy? Any of our business? That was a rather heated debate on twitter the other night, to be sure. I fall in the camp of it most certainly being newsworthy. He was out in a bar, no one was poking around his ‘man cave’, so I have no issues with papers/ESPN running with it. His demons with addictions are probably something every single person reading this has dealt with in some way or another. The disease is no longer this ‘hush, hush’ deal that it used to be. Who knows, maybe an embarrassing episode leaking to the media may have extended Mickey Mantle’s life?  I’ve yet to talk to one person that wasn’t pulling for Hamilton 110% to get a grasp on his issues, and his lapse was a sobering reminder to all that there are no ‘off days’ when it comes to fighting off the ugly monster that is substance abuse. His presser Friday afternoon was great, my respect for Ian Kinsler and the Rangers organization that stands behind him at every turn is through the roof.

As an aside, remember when thisguy was like a ‘thing?’

Wait for it… Wait for it…

BOOM!

Seriously, how does this stuff slip past these gigantic newspapers? And an even more serious question; how/why did I notice the unintentional dong shot on the first look? Paging Dr. Freud…?

Obviously, I have no clue who lays claim to that dong, but I’m pretty sure it’s not Gary Campbell. And let me tell ya, Mike Leach needs to cut whoever that is a royalty check. Because HE lets his sword swing…

Awww, these are the perks when you things like this and win the Rose Bowl. I’m a little disappointed Kenjon isn’t rocking some Beats By Dre and playing on a i Pad as well, because the snarky tweets from Softy and Aaron Fentress would have been tremendous.

PS-Blazers looking gooooood this year.

First of all, where do they hold these championships? What’s the format? BCS style, or a full blown playoff? If this is some BCS format, Masanobu has a path to the title ‘game’ for probably the next ten years, even if he slips up along the way and only manages to go for 8 and a half hours on one of his bad days. Do all the guys just stand around in some abandoned building and start going after it? Is this where all the Japanese bukake films are shot? Dry, or artificially enhanced with KY? So. Many. Questions.

Color me shocked that masturbating is looked at so casually in Japan. I’m pretty sure if in America, you just whip out your crank while watching Good Morning America and start going at it, you can be arrested. Certainly, you’ll be getting a divorce. But that chick just chalks up beating off to the Super Terrific Happy Hour in the living while the cat is between his legs as a ‘hobby’, and keeps sewing Hello Kitty patches onto sweaters. And seriously, how bad must Masanobu be in the actually bed if she’s cool to just sew everyday while he ‘satisfies his needs?’

And what’s his deal with saying real females are “dirty and smelly?” Mix in a Dove bar, and they are good to go, get with it.

If you aren’t already familiar with the work of Justin Tigner, you should be. And if you aren’t, get acquainted here.

The 2012 Rose Bowl poster by my Tigner was just released, and yes, it’s fucking sweet.   So go buy one, or two. Better yet, by one for you, one for your cousin in Seattle and one for me.

The ongoing contract saga between Derek Jeter and the Yankees has an easy explanation when you take it at face value: it’s a negotiating ploy.  Hank Steinbrenner says the Yankees don’t owe anybody anything monetarily (frankly, I agree) and El Capitan doesn’t like looking to his right and seeing a guy everyone in the world knows he despises (including Jeter himself) get paid off.  I’m going to put myself in the shoes of Jeter here for a moment – not that I’m dismissing any strongarming/wrongdoing by Hank & Co.

Clearly if Jeter is going to be the ‘winner’ here, he will be in pinstripes, batting 1st or 2nd and playing SS on opening day in 2011.  If he’s playing on another team I can’t imagine a scenario in which his image, legacy, and/or his bank account come out better than if he would have accepted the recent 3 year, $45 million offer from the Yankees.

Now in what fashion can he come out a winner in New York?

Well the Yankees would have to fold, simply give in.  This is an old fashioned game of chicken, and Jeter is the smaller player.  Please, tell me all about El Capitan, 5 rings, and great leadership.  All of these things make him a first ballot hall of famer, get his #2 retired on a plaque, and he’ll be forever remembered in Yankee lore.  But I’ll tell you about Ruth, Gehrig, Dimaggio, Mantle, Berra…and so on.  In the pantheon of great Yankees, Jeter’s legacy pales in comparison to all of those guys.  He doesn’t own them in rings and in the age of lesser technology and a lesser overall sporting world, called shots, ALS, “The luckiest man”, Marilyn Monroe, hitting 500 foot bombs while being drunk, and “Hit ‘em where they ain’t” dwarf the JFP.  Jeter is man – but he ain’t those guys. 

And if the Yankees don’t fold and Jeter sticks it out with them?  He will take a lesser contract, a move that now clearly bothers him after all the fuss he’s put up.  For the first time in his life he will have lost to A Rod.  He will have lost a PR battle.  Jeter is even being summoned to test the market.  The Yankees don’t back down to anyone. 

The right play would have been to have these negotiations either a) after last season or b) in the early part of the 2010 season.  He could have taken a similar deal 6 months ago and instead of a giant PR mess, it would have been looked at as Jeter cementing himself in Yankee lore.  Now it appears Jeter and his people were hoping/expecting a huge 2010 season and a 6th ring.  Well they sure as hell crapped out and it’s time to walk away from the table broke, at only $15 million a year.

I don’t care much at all about women’s ice hockey.  But, if I knew when the USA women were playing the Canadians for the gold yesterday, I might have tuned in for the final 20 minutes of action.  But I didn’t know, and eventually saw the Canadian women singing “Oh, Canada” during their gold medal realization after defeating the women of USA 2-0.  A silver medal for the USA women, I’m sure, was not their goal.  Oh well.

So Canada brought the gold home for women’s hockey … who cares right?  Nobody.  Unless you know how these girls like to party.  After Canada’s big win, the lady Canadians lingered on the ice for quite awhile –drinking beer, smoking stogies, and swigging champagne.  Yes, all on Olympic ice!  This sight is normal for a team that just won Lord Stanley’s Cup, but for a women’s ice hockey team (with teenagers) in the Olympics?!  Not so much.

Wait, here’s the catch … the IOC is gonna investigate the partying.  Apparently, the girls should have kept the golden fiesta back in the locker room.  But more importantly, you really need to be of age to drink in the first place (one of the girls is 18, BC’s legal age is 19).  Wow!  Marie-Philip Poulin is the hockey player in question.  Now just imagine the STREET CRED this chick would have by receiving a gold medal and getting arrested for underage drinking … all in the same week!  If I’m a night club owner in Canada, I’m calling this girl up to lock-in weekly appearances … just to party.  Who wouldn’t wanna party with an Olympic gold medalist? You remember all that partying Michael Phelps did, right? … and got paid big coin as well to do so (lucky ass dude, yeah- I’m envious).

These girls became instantly cool.

I’m now wondering if these girls attempted to sneak a keg of Molson Canadian back into the Olympic village.  Or, do the other athletes in the village now wander over to these girls and ask “Hey, ya know where the party is at?”.  Hell, I’d buy a beer for one of these girls … after I check some ID of course.

Yeah, most likely we won’t care about them again until 4 years from now when the games are in Russia.  That’s when NBC highlights this story to get more people to watch in 2014.  In my mind, this is one of the coolest stories of these Winter Olympics.  The story– “girls just wanna have fun” (yeah, that was sappy, get over it)(and how much of the video did you watch before you hit stop?).  Also, you know we’re gonna hear some story about how one of these girls got piss drunk and hooked up with a bobsledder from Slovakia and now she’s expecting his bastard child (get ready Mary Hart for this breakout story!).

On a side note … if USA’s men beat Canada for the gold (after beating Finland today first), well, they really need to upstage the party of them Canadian women with some good old American liquor.  Like each player with a 2 liter bottle of Mr. Daniels and a case of Sam Adams bombers for the coaching staff.  Let’s do this thing right USA!  If we win of course.

(photo –> getty images)

UPDATE:::: USA 6  FINLAND 1

Thank you Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders, sincerely every kicker in the NFL.. The most inept sports franchise defended its title yet again this week, awarding kicker Sabastian Janikowski an astronomical record setting contract extension.

It appears that the loveable senile grandfather we never had, Davis seems to be taking the idea of the uncapped year a little too much to heart. Janikowski, 31, has shown that he isn’t just a live leg anymore has improved greatly making 41-44 kicks, and this past season made the third longest field goal in NFL history against the Cleveland Browns with a 61 yard boot. For his efforts the Raiders awarded him with a Four Year deal worth up to 16 million, with nine of that being guaranteed. Making Janikowski hands down, the richest kicker in the league.

This kind of Davis insanity or senility is just what the players union has been praying for. This off-season is the beginning of a very public and intense labor negotiation most likely heading towards a lock out at the conclusion of the 2010 season. The owners are standing fast on their demand of a nearly 20% pay cut for the players in the next collective bargaining agreement. Owners are claiming that with the current structure of stadium deals the league will no longer be profitable with the current bargaining agreement.

So thank you Mr. Davis, for showing the players how desperately financially strapped your franchise is, by rolling out a record setting contract, and to a kicker none the less. In true Oakland fashion they didn’t even gave this contract even the most deserving kicker. Unless of course bribing police officers to get out of DUII’s has become an NFL skill. During the Raiders current stretch of ineptitude, Davis’ big off-season concern was re-signing Janikowski ensuring their great kicking game stays intact. So here’s to you Al Davis, I award you with a gigantic JFP on behalf of the NFL Players Union and Place Kickers everywhere. Now excuse me as I hand out pitch-forks and lit torches out to rioting Raiders fans.

As a side note, now the franchise has stated they will turn their attention to Richard Seymour, attempting to avoid having to franchise tag their star defensive lineman. Rest assure Mr. Seymour a in Oakland fashion a record deal awaits, just avoid serious injury during your early retirement on the back of Big Grandpa Al.

Here at TheSportsBrewery we like to recognize extraordinary efforts by an individual with a JFP.

Damn-it, block the guy wearing white!

Peyton Manning was truly remarkable yesterday shredding the Jets defense for 377 yards, 3 TDs and no picks.  After falling behind 17-6 it looked as if the whole world would get to laugh at the Colts yet again.  It was at this moment that Manning put the Colts shaky O-Line, their pedestrian running backs, their big play giving up defense and their karma killing coach all on his back and gave them a piggy back ride into Miami.  Do you realize Jim Caldwell is 2 weeks and one win away from entering the fraternity of NFL coaches that can never be questioned so long as they shall coach?  Did you even know Jim Caldwell was Indy’s coach before I just told you?  Didn’t think so.  He should have to give 50% of his future earnings to Peyton Manning since Manning is the one earning it for him.  More importantly Manning is one win away from upping his status as the GOAT.  Being a multiple winner puts you into a different category than a one time winner.  So a big JFP to you Mr. Manning for showing us what perfection at the quarterback position looks like.  Something we didn’t come close to seeing in the NFC championship game.