Shall we just call this the Rio pud-slap?

Above is the new logo Rio De Janeiro unveiled at Copacabana beach Friday just before midnight.

Olympic organizers said the logo was created to reflect Rio’s culture and to represent its natural wonders and joyful residents. They said it was based on four pillars: contagious energy, harmonious diversity, exuberant nature and Olympic spirit.

Looks more like it represents what we learned during the 2010 Winter Olympics: get enough athletes of both sexes in the same area for more than a week and those athletes are gonna fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Seriously, it looks like it’s based on the three pillars of reproduction: meat and two veg, the family jewels, the goose and giggleberries.

It was reported that there were initially 70,000 condoms distributed for the 2000 Sydney Olympics, and that they ran out and had to ship 20,000 more to satisfy the porn star libidos of the Olympic athletes. The Today Show estimated that there were 14 condoms to each athlete, trainer, assistant and official housed in the village, and you have to figure that some of those people aren’t in the mood the entire time.

The 2010 Winter Olympics learned from Sydney’s mistake and shipped in over 100,000, which seemed to satisfy.

Hurry Hard: the official U.S. Curling condom.

Matthew Syed, a British journalist and — get this — former Olympic TABLE TENNIS champion, described Olympic sexscapades in Barcelona:

Barcelona was, for many of us Olympic virgins, as much about sex as it was about sport. There were the gorgeous hostesses – there to assist the athletes – in their bright yellow shirts and black skirts; there were the indigenous lovelies who came to watch the competitions. And then there were the female athletes – literally thousands of them – strutting, shimmying, sashaying and jogging around the village, clad in Lycra and exposing yard upon yard of shiny, toned, rippling and unimaginably exotic flesh. Women from all the countries of the world: muscular, virile, athletic and oozing oestrogen. I spent so much time in a state of lust that I could have passed out. Indeed, for all I knew I did pass out – in a place like that how was one to tell the difference between dreamland and reality?

As if Brazil wasn’t already known for decadence. Add heat, drinks, beaches and this:

and this:

And you’ll end up with a whole lot of clean up. Seriously, a janitor at the 2016 Olympics can’t get paid enough for what he/she will be in store for. God be with you, you cleaner of condoms.

Yup, I said it. All you fake Patriots can put your pom poms down now!

In fact, I’m glad Canada won. They can keep that gold medal, and win more every 4 years for all I care.

I live in the United States of America. We don’t care or need that hockey shit. It’s stupid, makes no sense and is colder than a January night in Mobile.

Canada is stupid so that’s why they play hockey.

The people on the box kept telling me how tough these hockey players were, bull spit they are. How tough can a dude really be when his name is Sidney, Sasha or Alexi? I bet even that Johnny Weir chick could take some of these guys.

Can you imagine if the Americans had actually beaten those stupid Canucks? What, are we gonna start forcing our youth to play that hockey stuff? That’s indoctrination, and I bet that shady Obama guy would be behind that idea. We have our boys play football, need to toughen dem up and stuff.  First it would be hockey, but what would be next? Glenn Beck told me that once we start liking hockey, we will try and take everything from Canada, like universal health care, mounties and the Expos. No sir, no way, not in my America! Speaking of Glenn Beck, what a great American he is, and I can guar-an-tee that he isn’t givin a heck about that hockey stuff either.

You can keep your stupid ice game, Canada, and take all these Californian liberals who like your game with you. They have no place in this country, just like hockey. Enjoy eating moose, waiting 4 months to see a Doc when you break your leg, and ice skating to work, losers.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

 Canada beat the USA in the gold medal game yesterday 3-2 in OT.  From what I hear it was a great exciting game and the Americans played very well in a losing effort. I really tried to watch this game, but only lasted for the first 10 minutes of action.  I’ve been to a few minor league hockey games live and they were fantastic, but the game doesn’t translate on TV for me.  One thing I did gather in my 10 minutes of viewing was that the Canadians were vastly superior to the Americans.  Not only because they seemed bigger and faster, but because every time the TV commentator would refer to a Canadian he’d give us the NHL team he played for.  Where as every time they referred to an American he’d give us what college he was attending.  I figured we were in trouble.  

I do have on question for the hockey crowd, why do they go 4-4 in overtime?  I can understand the shootout because it’s cool, exciting and there is nothing else like it in sports.  But changing the integrity of the game to make for a quick sudden death is ridiculous.  You don’t see the NFL go to 5 downs on offense to help speed up the OT period.  Baseball doesn’t go to 4 outs to increase scoring.  I guess it’s just another thing that separates hockey from being a great Olympic sport from being a great sport in general.  I look forward to caring about hockey for 10 minutes in another 4 years from now.

I don’t care much at all about women’s ice hockey.  But, if I knew when the USA women were playing the Canadians for the gold yesterday, I might have tuned in for the final 20 minutes of action.  But I didn’t know, and eventually saw the Canadian women singing “Oh, Canada” during their gold medal realization after defeating the women of USA 2-0.  A silver medal for the USA women, I’m sure, was not their goal.  Oh well.

So Canada brought the gold home for women’s hockey … who cares right?  Nobody.  Unless you know how these girls like to party.  After Canada’s big win, the lady Canadians lingered on the ice for quite awhile –drinking beer, smoking stogies, and swigging champagne.  Yes, all on Olympic ice!  This sight is normal for a team that just won Lord Stanley’s Cup, but for a women’s ice hockey team (with teenagers) in the Olympics?!  Not so much.

Wait, here’s the catch … the IOC is gonna investigate the partying.  Apparently, the girls should have kept the golden fiesta back in the locker room.  But more importantly, you really need to be of age to drink in the first place (one of the girls is 18, BC’s legal age is 19).  Wow!  Marie-Philip Poulin is the hockey player in question.  Now just imagine the STREET CRED this chick would have by receiving a gold medal and getting arrested for underage drinking … all in the same week!  If I’m a night club owner in Canada, I’m calling this girl up to lock-in weekly appearances … just to party.  Who wouldn’t wanna party with an Olympic gold medalist? You remember all that partying Michael Phelps did, right? … and got paid big coin as well to do so (lucky ass dude, yeah- I’m envious).

These girls became instantly cool.

I’m now wondering if these girls attempted to sneak a keg of Molson Canadian back into the Olympic village.  Or, do the other athletes in the village now wander over to these girls and ask “Hey, ya know where the party is at?”.  Hell, I’d buy a beer for one of these girls … after I check some ID of course.

Yeah, most likely we won’t care about them again until 4 years from now when the games are in Russia.  That’s when NBC highlights this story to get more people to watch in 2014.  In my mind, this is one of the coolest stories of these Winter Olympics.  The story– “girls just wanna have fun” (yeah, that was sappy, get over it)(and how much of the video did you watch before you hit stop?).  Also, you know we’re gonna hear some story about how one of these girls got piss drunk and hooked up with a bobsledder from Slovakia and now she’s expecting his bastard child (get ready Mary Hart for this breakout story!).

On a side note … if USA’s men beat Canada for the gold (after beating Finland today first), well, they really need to upstage the party of them Canadian women with some good old American liquor.  Like each player with a 2 liter bottle of Mr. Daniels and a case of Sam Adams bombers for the coaching staff.  Let’s do this thing right USA!  If we win of course.

(photo –> getty images)

UPDATE:::: USA 6  FINLAND 1

Yeah, I know the Winter Olympics are about as much fun as watching ice melt.

But now there is some winter games action worthy enough to hoist a beer up for …

The USA Hockey team is playing for a silver medal on Friday at 12pm!  Woo-hoo!

It’s USA, Canada, Slovakia, and Finland in the Final Four.  And the Canadians are still feeling the sting of that USA upset last weekend –I’m sure they are  dreaming of a rematch in the gold medal game.  The guys from USA advanced to the semis by defeating the Swiss 2-0 in the quarters.

I’m not gonna spew out any stats or analysis, well, because I have watched about 2 mins total of USA hockey so far.  Sorry, I’m just not a puckhead.  But as long as Team Amercia is skating towards a goal medal, then I’m jumping on the Zamboni for the weekend ride.

If the red-white-and-blue guys can get past those pesky Fin dudes Friday, they will have their gold medal shot on Sunday at 12:15pm … hopefully with them Molson lovers from up North.

Imagine watching the Pro Bowl where the NFC and AFC compete like it’s a playoff game rather than a glorified flag football game. Imagine Olympic basketball where it’s not essentially the U.S. against everyone else. The World Baseball Classic (WBC) has tried to create a tournament that involves not only the best players in the MLB, but also the best from outside the ‘big leagues’. It’s just not the same though when the best of the best choose not to play. Olympic ice hockey gives you what all other sports fail to accomplish. Not just some decent players here and there, but the best of the best (great movie(s) btw). They even have great players like Jagr & Foreskin (Forsberg) who have retired from the NHL in recent years.

If you missed Sunday’s USA vs. Canada game you might have another chance this Sunday if everything falls into place. However, there will still be great games leading up to the Gold Medal game. Tomorrow at noon the U.S. plays a scrappy Swiss team who has already lost to the Americans (3-1) and lost to Canada in a shootout. Canada will have to go though Russia and Ovechkin, and then most likely Sweden just to reach the finals. First though, Canada must beat the Germans in a game going on right now (4:30).

Recapping the U.S. victory, most if not all credit goes to Ryan Miller (Buffalo Sabres) who had 42 saves. On the flip side, Canada’s goalie Martin Brodeur deserves the blame for the loss, giving up 4 goals with his lackadaisical and poor play. Arguably one of the best goalies in history, Marty B. will be benched in favor of Vancouver’s own, Roberto Luongo. Are we panicking Canada? A couple neat side notes in the game were: American forward Ryan Kessler who plays for Vancouver during the NHL season made an amazing open net goal to ‘ice’ the victory for the U.S., also, Miller’s coach on the Sabres, Lindy Ruff, is an assistant for the Canadian team.

The stage is set for the Americans to take Gold. They will need to play better though because you can’t expect Miller to play like that for the remaining games, or maybe you can. The Canadians are good, just not as good as their being made out to be. Yes, their team is chalked full of NHL captains, but most them are passed their prime. On the flipside, the Americans are better then most people realize. They are chalked full of All-Stars, and young ones at that. Would you rather have a team with players coming into their prime or coming out of their prime?

Before I end my hockey binge I’ve got to give some props to the American women as well. They will face the skanks from Canada in the Gold Medal game Thursday at 3:30. I normally wouldn’t recommend watching women’s athletics besides pole vaulting or beach volleyball, but watching good women’s hockey isn’t that bad…USA! USA! USA!

This might be comparable to AI crossing up Jordan, but much better and cooler…Ovechkin-might be the best player ever in hockey when he’s done, if he stays healthy. Jagr- Top 10 players in history….Only in Olympic hockey.

</p> <p><a href=”http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-medals/” mce_href=”http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-medals/” title=”Vancouver 2010 Medals”>View the vancouver2010.com medals’ table</a></p> <p>
Alpine Skiing-

Bode Miller takes bronze in the downhill. This is a solid showing for Miller, who tends to get a bad rap for not competing, a mini-Daly if you will of skiing. Miller will also be competing in the Super G, Slalom, and Super Combined.

In the ladies downhill Vonn won the gold doing so topless. Well, not exactly, but she might in one of the other 4 events she is still yet to compete in. Fellow American Mancuso grabbed the silver giving the U.S. a 1, 2 finish.

Biathlon-

No medals to show for the American’s here. Tim Burke will have the best chance for a medal in the 20k individual and 15k mass start.

Bobsleigh-

Medal races for the men will be on the 21^st and the 27^th. The ‘Night Train’ and crew should be medaling with a good chance at gold. The U.S. hasn’t won a gold in 62 years.

Cross-Country-

Hmmm…

Curling-

“Hurry Hard.” Is that a curling term or condom brand? Both. The U.S. team rolls stones and slangs c-domes, what more could you ask for?

Figure Skating-

Less entertaining: figure skating or UO men’s basketball?

Freestyle Skiing-

The U.S. took gold and bronze in the ladies moguls, thanks to an impressive run from Hannah Kearney. Byron Wilson took a bronze on the men’s side.

Hockey-

This might be the only thing worth watching in the Olympics, both men’s and women’s. The women are 2-0, outscoring opponents 25-1. The men opened up with an impressive 3-1 win over the Swiss. The fellas play Thursday at noon, and the ladies play right after at 2:30. Both games should be good. The game to watch will be Sunday at 4:40 when the men face the Crosby’s and Canada.

Luge-

Germany cleaned house. A medal was just icing on the cake. Making to the finish was enough for most of the Lugers.

Nordic Combined-

JFP to Jonny Spillane who won the silver, and the first ever medal for the U.S. in the 86 years since the event began.

Short Track-

Oh no and Celski went 2, 3 after the Korean’s took each other out, voiding a clean sweep from Korea.

Skeleton-

Where the women have more balls than male figure skaters.  Medal rounds on Friday.

Ski Jumping-

No women allowed? I’m confused.

Snowboarding-

They fought hard to get this into the Olympics, but it seems the X-Games mean more to the competitors. Again, I’m confused.

Speed Skating-

So far team Colbert is without a medal. Not to worry though, Shani Davis aka Neil deGrasse Tyson will get his in due time.

So a little sarcasm can be detected in the title. Oh well. Sorry, but most guys like me just don’t give a hoot … or a woot … about the Winter Games. And that is mostly because I’d rather continue to watch basketball (NCAA that is) on a daily basis.

Yes, I do get that Olympics are a gathering of the greatest athletes in the world that do amazing things in the cold. But, if you run down all the events that ESPN suggests that you watch, they just don’t seem that exciting. So I will crudely breakdown the suggested events by the fellows at ESPN …

Feb. 12
Opening ceremony: If I watch this, I’m hoping Wayne Gretzky skates out by himself in full hockey gear with a puck … then, suddenly a goalie (maybe Patrick Roy?) and net appear on the opposite end of the arena … stage is now set for a dramatic one-on-one penalty shot.  Now THAT would get me to the edge of my seat and drive me to hoist my beer up and say “Fuck yeah Canada! … that’s how you open this party!”.

After the duel, all the other stuff happens, you know … the Olympians stroll around the arena waving and such, a big light show, some artsy stuff, the torch lighting (the order could be completely backwards, shows how much I know).  Time to turn the channel.

Feb. 13
Men’s downhill: If you ain’t a skier, like I’m not, then this gets old after 2 mins if dudes aren’t face-planting into the snow.

Women’s freestyle skiing: Moguls: Chicks doin flips and twirls … I watched about 8 mins of the Winter X Games, this seems like a re-run.

Men’s speedskating, 5,000 meters: Ugh, dudes skating around in a circle until somebody makes a move at the end.  I pass.

Feb. 14
Women’s skiing, super-combined: Chicks skiing downhill.  Pass.

Men’s luge: Dudes flying down some tube at breakneck speed, this is kinda intriguing for a little while … and there will be crashes galore.

UPDATE: not so funny now, I guess.

Women’s hockey: USA versus China: U.S. Women are dominate in this event, but why do I wanna watch women’s ice hockey?

Feb. 15
Men’s short-track speedskating, 500: Ugh, more guys skating around in a circle.  Pass.

Figure skating: Pairs free skate: Pairs skating.  Hmph.  Unless it’s Beyonce pairing up with say …. Christinia Aguilera … then I will be channel surfing.

Feb. 16
Figure skating, men’s short program: If I land on this when Johnny Weir is skating, I might have to stay and find out how outrageously gay this guy will be on the Olympic stage.  If you haven’t heard yet, he was the inspiration to Jon Heder’s character Jimmy MacElroy (with the bird-like hand) in Blades of Glory.

Okay, I have now just typed myself into watching this movie tonight with some beers.

Men’s skiing, super-combined: Dudes skiing down a hill … dudes possibly wiping-out.

(here’s an example)

Men’s hockey, United States and Canada make Vancouver debuts: Whoa!  Now were talking!  I can hunker down and watch some NHL All-Star teams play against each other for some precious medals.

Women’s luge: Chicks flying down a tube at silly speeds.  Possible crashes.  Maybe.

Feb. 17
Alpine skiing, women’s downhill: Females flying down a hill on skis … nope.

Men’s speedskating, 1,000: More dudes skating around in a circle.

Events are beginning to get repetitive.

Luge doubles: Seriously?  Two dudes on a luge?  Double the crash potential. Not sure on this one.

Men’s snowboarding/halfpipe: Shaun White will be doing all kinds of crazy acrobatics here.  This is worth 10 mins to find out what he does.

Feb. 18
Men’s figure skating, free skate: More Johnny Weir!  Super-flamer-on-blades (not that there’s anything wrong with that) plays underdog for U.S.A. and attempts to steal the show (and probably cosmetics from the females).

Women’s snowboarding/halfpipe: Chicks doin flips & tricks in a halfpipe.  Pass.

Feb. 19
Men’s skiing, super-G: More dudes skiing down a hill.  Yawn.

Men’s skeleton, medal night: Whoa!  This could be exciting. Serious crash potential!

(check out these skeleton/bobsled crashes)

Feb. 20
Women’s skiing, super-G: Yawn.

Men’s speedskating, 1,500 meters: Enough speedskating already.

Short-track speedskating, men’s 1,000 and women’s 1,500: See previous entry.

Cross-country, 30K pursuit: This could be interesting actually … to see these peeps huf-it-out over long distances for a possible rally at the finish.

Feb. 21
Men’s skiing, giant slalom: Yawn.

(time for another gratuitous ski crash video!)

Men’s hockey, rivalry day: Canada vs U.S.A!!  Finally something to get really pumped for … tsssssccchh … beer-in-hand worthy.

Feb. 22
Ice dancing, free dance: Ice-dancing?  Really?  Household chores are more fun than watching this silliness.  Also, refer back to Figure skating: Pairs free skate.

Women’s hockey, semifinals: It’s hockey.  But it’s females.  Pass.  Sorry ladies.  Not really.

Feb. 23
Women’s figure skating, short program: Hope you have a second TV … because the significant other may command the tube for this event.

Feb. 24
Alpine skiing, women’s slalom: Yawn.

Women’s freestyle skiing, aerials: Yawn.

Women’s bobsled: Yawn.  Wait a second — it’s bobsled.  Ahhh, screw it.  Pass.

Feb. 25
Women’s figure skating, free skate: Again, hide the remote or the lady friend might find this interesting.

Women’s hockey, gold-medal game: If it’s U.S.A. vs Canada or Russia, then I might tune in for the final 10 mins.  Or maybe I won’t.

Men’s freestyle skiing, aerials: Dudes & skiing again.  Pass.

Women’s skiing, slalom: Chicks & skiing again.  Pass.

Women’s curling, medal night: Curling is always intriguing for 20 mins because I only see it once every 4 years and it looks a bar game that you can’t play in a bar (well, maybe in Canada you can).  Seriously though, if I had a large stack of cash I’d open up a sports bar where you could play pool, shuffleboard, and curling.  No doubt in my mind I’d have the curling area visible by the whole bar and maybe even via webcam.  Why?  Because imagine a bunch numskulls tryin to curl after pounding some pints during happy hour.  This idea is a moneymaking machine.  People will roll in after HH everyday just to watch the debauchery.

Big night in short-track speedskating: No more speedskating please.

Feb. 27
Men’s curling, medal night: More curling!  This one is a coin-flip because I might be curled out from watchin the women.  I just don’t know.

UPDATE: don’t wanna watch curling? … then play this version online!

Men’s skiing, slalom: Ugh.  No more skiing!  How many ways are there to go down a hill?

(if they are gonna keep creating more skiing events, here’s my suggestion for a new one:  douse the skiers in fish blood, then have them race down a slope that is only a slight incline and thru a forest, thus giving the purposely-starved-polar-bears a chance to run them down if the competitors happen to hit a tree or lose their balance and fall)

Men’s bobsled: Bobsled!  Crash potential!  Ahhh … okay, I give it 3 mins.

Feb. 28
Men’s hockey, gold-medal game: The top 2 NHL All-Star teams left battlin.  I can watch this.  Especially if U.S.A is playing for G-O-L-D!

(time to get fired up boys)

Closing ceremony: Bye, bye Winter Games.  Until Russia 2014.  That’s 4 years to stock up on vodka.