I don’t watch much MMA.  So I don’t know all the cool ways to end a dude in a match.  But this kick-off-the-cage-to-win has got to be top three material.

The announcers follow it up with … “ran off the wall like a ninja” … “goes full matrix” …

Awesome stuff.

Our favorite ex-duck wrestler Chael Sonnen is back in the news, and boy does karma come back to get ya. If you missed what he said before his fight against Silva here’s what El Rey wrote for it.  After reading that here’s the story.

LOS ANGELES — The California State Athletic Commission suspended UFC middleweight title contender Chael Sonnen for one year on Wednesday after revealing he tested positive for steroids following a loss to Anderson Silva last month in Oakland.

CSAC executive officer George Dodd said Sonnen’s drug test revealed an abnormally high testosterone-to-estrogen level, an indicator of steroid use. A second test showed similar results.

“The use of anabolic steroids and other banned substances are not tolerated by the commission,” Dodd said. “Anabolic agents put the health and safety of both the user and his opponents at risk.”

The suspension casts a pall on memories of perhaps the UFC’s most exciting fight of the year to date. Sonnen was a trash-talking underdog who improbably controlled the first four rounds of his fight against Silva, but lost to the long-reigning middleweight champion on a dramatic fifth-round choke at UFC 117 in Oakland’s Oracle Arena.

The suspension squashes the UFC’s plans to match Sonnen against Silva in a rematch early next year. Steroid-related suspensions in mixed martial arts and boxing typically are honored by other states’ athletic commissions, and the UFC won’t schedule suspended fighters for new bouts.

Sonnen is expected to appeal the ruling within 30 days, but can’t receive a hearing on his appeal until Dec. 2 in Sacramento. Sonnen hasn’t commented publicly on the suspension, and his management team didn’t immediately return phone calls.

Man can you ask for anything better than that. Just calls Lance out for getting cancer from using PED’s and then up and test positive himself. If his logic is correct he should go see a doctor asap to see where his cancer is. The only real downside to Sonnen being out a year is that we don’t get to listen to any more of his classic rants, and believe me that was the only thing keeping me semi interested in MMA.

Everyone’s favorite former Oregon wrestler-turned MMA fighter, Chael Sonnen, will be getting a shot at MMA legend Anderson Silva on Saturday.

Sweet.

But even more impressive is the gasoline he has been throwing all over the media lately. Emptying a gas can is one thing, but throwing lit matches in it’s direction is quite another. Safe to say, I think Sonnen just gave everyone third degree burns with this golden nugget:

Take Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong did a number of things and he gave himself cancer. He cheated, he did drugs, and he gave himself cancer. Well, instead of saying ‘Hey listen, I cheated and gave myself cancer, don’t be like me.’ He actually made himself the victim and then went out and profited something like $15 million dollars from this ‘Hey, poor me, let’s find a cure for cancer’ campaign instead of just coming clean and saying, ‘Look, here’s what I did, I screwed myself up, and I hope people learn from my mistakes.’ You just watch these guys and can’t help but think, God, what a fraud.

That is awesome.

Of course Lance is a D-bag, and pumped his body full of horse juice, but this??? Who knew.

Congrats Chael, you are now officially the coolest Duck ever (sorry Mr. Ho-Ching).

PWBTS – A mixed martial arts fighter who allegedly gouged out another man’s heart and eyes after drinking mushroom tea will stand trial in Northern California on a murder charge, the Times-Standard in Eureka, Calif., reported Wednesday.  Jarrod Wyatt, 26, also faces charges of aggravated mayhem and torture stemming from the grisly March killing of his 21-year-old friend Taylor Powell.  Powell was killed at a home in the coastal town of Requa, about 40 miles south of the Oregon board, early on March 21. He bled to death after his heart was removed from his body while still alive, according to his death certificate.  Deputies, responding to a 911 call, found Wyatt at the scene.  Another man had raised the alarm after allegedly seeing him naked and dripping with blood, standing over the mutilated body.  The witness told officials Wyatt had earlier been acting strangely after drinking “some kind of mushroom tea.”  Wyatt’s MMA career is still in its earlier stages. According to The Daily Triplicate in Crescent City, Calif., he had won his first pro bout in October.

Remember when your parents said shit like “watching Beavis and Butthead, masturbating and playing Mortal Kombat will make you go blind”, I think they had a point.

A couple of things stick out to me from this story.

A) Never trust anyone from a coastal town near the Oregon/California border. Like if your car breaks down any where from Gold Beach to Crescent City, just have some dignity and jump into the Pacific, because you aint making it out of that situation alive.

B) What’s the deal with this mushroom tea? I’ve drank tea, I’ve eaten mushrooms, and all I  got was a comforting feel, a fascination with trees and I could like totally ‘hear Jimi’, man. But never did I want to eat eyeballs and hearts, that’s fucking gross.

The one positive out of this is that if he ate the dudes eyes first at least he couldn’t really see Kano ripping into his chest and digging around for this heart. That’s a positive, right?