JESUS!!!! DAMN THE BURGERS AT THIRSTY LION ARE F’N GOOD!!!

Yeah, you guessed it … the cerveza lovin Meerkat just got back from dinner out with the wife to spew a whole buncha drunken text all over The Sports Brewery front-page.

Just admit it … you jerk to this kinda stuff.

Alright … onto the sports stuff …

I digested a whole day of this NBA-Chris-Paul-to-LA-trade-stuff … and here comes my take … in no particular order … why … well I just swallowed a few Ninkasi Oatmeal Stouts at the restaurant … so chronological accuracy is outta the friggin window (at this point … spell check is frackin wonderful … and yes, that was a battlestar gallactica reference).

After the deal went down:

ESPN’s Stephen A Smith was on the phone with a tearful Lamar Odom … sorry Lamar … bro, you had to know the LA-Kardashian lifestyle would end some day before you retired … especially since you show up in the playoffs only once in awhile. Wipe away the tears chief, you are one of the very few NBA fellas that married into money before your playing days were over. Suck it up.

Wait … it gets better …

Supposedly, Kobe was waiting for CP3 to fly out to LA … unfortunately before Paul could take off … he was informed the deal was struck down by Stern. Ouch. Like … double-fuckin-ouch!

Sheesh … so how does Kobe get all chummy-chummy with Lamar when all the Lakers show up at practice?

UNCOMFORTABLE.

Oh yeah, how does Gasol feel?

Others:

Yeah, there were others affected, but they don’t make national news: Kevin Martin, Luis Scola, Goran Dragic … pawns in the NBA game of chess.

New Orleans:

Wow … has to completely suck being Hornets GM Dell Demps this weekend, right? You just worked your ass off for WEEKS tryin to score the BEST POSSIBLE DEAL for NBA owned New Orleans for the inevitably departing All-Star PG Chris Paul … and you get your Hornets-benefiting deal vetoed by the COMMISH.

SUCKS.

Funniest thing I heard on Friday was this from ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt:

“If I were Demps, I’d show up to work in shorts & tank top and play Words with friends and day-drink”.

Yeah, I’d probably do the same … if I spent weeks on the phone tryin to score the best deal for my team’s future just to get it blocked into row 7 by Dikembe Mutombo.

That blows … Demps should ask for at least a week’s vacation in the Caribbean after that.

David Stern:

Dude, you just fucked yourself in the ass with this hasty decision. I have been saying for a few years now that he has been more like Czar Stern more than Commish Stern. This week has dropped plenty of proof on such. Apparently the small-market owners led by ass-clown extraordinaire Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert (and his stupid email) were enough to dick-slap-across the face of Stern their ridiculous SWAY.

Commissioner,

It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

Over the next three seasons this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes. That $21 million goes to non-taxpaying teams and to fund revenue sharing.

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process. And it doesn’t appear that they would give up any draft picks, which might allow to later make a trade for Dwight Howard (They would also get a large trade exception that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.) When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered an extremely lopsided trade) they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max-salary player).

I just don’t see how we can allow this trade to happen.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way that I do.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

Please advise…

Hey FUCKFACE (aka Gilbert) … maybe you shouldn’t have signed off on the collective bargaining agreement with the players … should have put up a bigger fight! TOO LATE!

The Bill Simmons’ theory is that Czar Stern did so much lobbying to the small market owners to sign the deal … that he caved on the squashing on killing the Paul trade to please the small market teams.

After the smoke has settled … it is obvious that the deal for Chris Paul to LA is a good deal for New Orleans. NOT ONE NBA MEDIA person has said that the Hornets got swindled in the deal. Everyone has more or less said that the Hornets had the better end of the deal.

Ohhhh … but wait.

Where there’s fire:

What the small market owners were really scared of was the idea of the Lakers paving the way for Dwight Howard joining the Lakers after Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol were dealt off. Likely, Andrew Bynum (and other stuff) being dealt off to Orlando in some major deal to bring Howard over to LA and form another three-superstar-team in a major city.

That was the real fear … because obviously, CP3 and Kobe was not enough to send the owners into such a tizzy … they were looking into the foggy-small-market-you-got-no-chance-for-a-title future if CP3 and Howard and Kobe were to team up in LA.

Meanwhile in NY:

Yeah, while everyone was smelling the dutch-oven trade called ‘CP3 to LA’ … Tyson Chandler was getting dealt to the NY Knicks. This is what sucks for the Sixers fan that I am. Chandler brings defense to a Knicks team based solely on offense. Now defensive suckas like Melo and Stoudemire can play their offensive-only game and still look like all-stars and get deep into the playoffs. Damn that sucks. For a moment I thought the Sixers had a shot at the Atlantic flag.

Future:

I feel bad for Portland losing Brandon Roy … when he was the MAN he was the proud flag of the NW … now … I’m not sure Aldridge is ready for that load. Blazers sooooo need Oden to live up.

Sorry Western Conference … but you now SUCK. Better get Dwight Howard over to LA or the Eastern side is gonna dominate for years to come.

This is becoming quite the theme for Macy’s. Either they have the worst ad team ever, or the best. I can’t decide.

Not only did the Heat lose last night, but apparently Macy’s didn’t get the memo that they needed two wins to wrap up the title. Regardless, the Miami Herald ran an ad congratulating the Heat on winning the title.

At least the paper got the header right though.

The Phillies being down 3-1 to the Yanks didn’t stop Macy’s in 2009 either.

Getting into this war of premature ejaculation, was recently JC Penny. Congratulating the Bruins on making it out of the Wales Eastern conference  after losing to someone in game 6. They did eventually make it out of the East, so whatever, they weren’t cocky they were confident..

I can’t be the only one that actually wants the Heat and Phillies shirts, right? In like 45 years no one will remember anyways and while you’re laying on your death bed you can always wax poetic about King James coming up huge and the Phils dynasty. Ski and I already have an August trip planned to Africa to find a couple Oregon Ducks 2011 National Champion tees, may as well hunt one of these out as well.

myfoxdfw.com Hey Dallas Mavericks, you’ve just won the NBA Championship. What’s next? Forget Disneyland — this team hit a hot nightclub on Miami’s South Beach!

Celebrating with an $80,000 magnum of champagne, the Mavs kicked back with partiers (and fickle Heat fans?) at Liv Night Club in the Fountainbleu Hotel on South Beach.

Well I mean, you knew it was coming. Honestly a little tamer than I thought it would be. Heat lose, Cavs fans rejoice, Dan Gilbert enjoys the last 5 seconds of his relevancy. Now onto the lockout…

Remember kiddies, don’t do steroids. They’ll turn you into a white person.

Damn, go get you some, girl. Get Hooked by dem Horns.

OregonLive. Bad blood surfaced between the Trail Blazers and Mavericks at the end of Game 5 when Dallas reserve Brian Cardinal levied what the Blazers feel was an unwarranted, blind-sided screen on Patty Mills at halfcourt in the final seconds. Blazers guard Wesley Matthews sought out Cardinal after the game and had a few choice words for him at halfcourt, during which Mavericks reserve DeShawn Stevenson interjected. Matthews and Stevenson exchanged pointed expletives from about 10 feet apart before Stevenson was bear-hugged by a teammate and pushed toward the Dallas locker room.

“I know it’s the playoffs and everything, but come on,” Matthews said. “With four seconds left in the game? But that’s cool. I’m not going to forget it, that’s for sure.”

Listen I am all for some all out war on the court for Thursday’s game 6, I really am. Honestly most Blazer fans have wanted some cheap shots levied from the good guys for a couple of years now. Sadly though it seems the only time the Blazers really sack-up and smack someone in the mouth, is when they play the Lakers. 

No one should underestimate what a huge pile drive or constantly being chippy can do for an arena and the home team. You don’t have to look any further than the late season game against the Lakers at the Rose Garden. Gerald Wallace seemingly came out and made it his mission to get up in Artest’s face all night long and skirt that line between stare down and fight. He pulled it off to perfection, and listen to the Rose Garden appreciation:

My only problem with the Blazers new-found chip on their shoulders, is the reason for it. Sure Cardinal’s late game halfcourt screen was kind of dicey, I guess. And yes, it was done with intent. To say otherwise is just foolish. But why does it take this to inspire the Blazers and stoke the fire?

Call me crazy, but I would think getting embarrassed in the second half alone should be enough. Or maybe the 20 boards by Tyson Chandler, 13 of them on the offensive side. Getting punked on the boards in general should be the reason Portland comes out looking to black an eye or bloody a nose in game 6.  Coming into the game, rebounding had essential a draw, Dallas holding a 150-148 edge, including 36-31 in offensive boards. From 36 offensive boards in the first 4 games combined, to 20 in the 5th alone. Embarrassing. Disgusting. Pathetic.

“It’s exhausting. The first two or three offensive rebounds really don’t bother you, but when it gets up to 15 and 20 and it’s a reoccurring fact, it kind of drains the life out of you. That’s what it was doing tonight. It seemed like every time we got it going and got a great defensive stop they got an offensive rebound and it sucked the air out of us.”

-Gerald Wallace

Hopefully Gerald and the Blazers patch up that leak and go down swinging on Thursday. I can generally accept the fact that Portland’s season may end on Thursday, but I can’t accept that kind of effort again, and neither should the Blazers.

They say rebounding is all about effort. If it’s what they need, hopefully “Cardinal-Gate” is something that inspires them to show some. Because if they don’t, will the last person out of the Rose Garden please turn out the lights.

Dallas Morning News.

Can you believe that Game 4?

Sadly, chances are you can. I have several Mavs’ fans who get very angry at me when I group the Mavericks fortunes together from the last 5 years. They tell me that there are too many new players, a new coach, and each team is independently their own. Therefore, to think about the 2006 NBA Finals or the 2007 Golden State series when attempting to put a 2011 playoff game in its proper perspective is just not right and frankly unfair. Well, as Dad said to me, sometimes life isn’t fair. You see, after watching a Game 4 collapse for the ages in Portland yesterday, it became clear once again; this team and everyone surrounding this team (yes, you the fans) drags so much emotional baggage behind them that it isn’t even funny. And just when you think that Lucy is not going to pull the ball away from Charlie Brown…she does it again.

Uh oh, the seed of doubts are already creeping into the minds of Dallas writers and fans. While they may not be creeping into the minds of the players (they are) it will be interesting to see the arena’s atmosphere in Dallas tonight the first time Portland makes a run to extend a lead. Am I the only one that pretty much expects there to be moans and groans that turn into deafening quiet?

Confucius once said that without a strong basketball mind, one turns into a Maverick.  We shall see if the wise one was correct tonight.

You just cannot convince me otherwise. The biggest enemy of the Mavs is that feeling they have inside each and every one of them when the game starts slipping a bit. That familiar and haunting feeling. And they cannot defeat it.

Here we go again.

The curse of the Wadebino? Quick someone get Dan Shaughnessy down to Dallas, I smell another book!

Their biggest foe is their memory. And I am starting to wonder if there is a cure.

Another early summer vacation couldn’t hurt, right? I hear Palm Springs is beautiful this time of year.

This is a team that is defined by its history. And unlike some teams who may have a damaged history, they are haunted by it. It affects their ability to function. It whispers in their ear when they are sitting in a time-out.

Doubt creeps in and paralyzes them. Part of me is shocked and part of me wonders how anyone can be shocked

Dr. Phil in the house. I love this stuff, series is tied at 2 and the people in Dallas are more concerned with running away from ghosts and looking for the boogie man behind every corner than they are focused on winning a game 5 in their own building. Just don’t fall asleep Dallas, and you’ll be fine. But remember if you do fall asleep and Brandon Krueger kills you in your dreams, your playoff dreams  also die in real life.

Oh, and Mark Cuban left game 4 early not because he was heated over the epic collapse, but because he’s got a weak bladder.

Taking a cue from that Jesus guy, B Roy and the Blazers rise from the dead. In case you missed it here you go. And even if you didn’t, can you really get enough of it?

You know, because clutch 4-point play are so common…

Dagger. How you think Shawn Marion is sleeping tonight?

Gotta love the home town commentators. Barrett is basically doing jumping jacks at the 12 second mark and Rice is comparing it to the Miracle On Ice, love it.

Bring on the Lakers….; )

I think at this point we can all agree that other than DMX, Ray Ray is the scariest MF’er on this planet. Some guys can flat out hit, run or jump. Ray can just flat out scare the shit out of people, it’s like his 6th tool or something. A lot of people say Obama is the greatest speech giver on the planet, but no way. It has to be Ray. The guy could run for president on the platform of enslaving white people, and I’m pretty sure I would be so inspired I would still vote him in. And are you joking me with the ominous thunder at the 1:07 and 2:55 mark? James Cameron pumped $600 billion into Vern Gully Avatar and never even came close to something so dramatic. I’ve learned from Ray that sleep is for busters, so it’s good to see Wessy Wes and Patty crushing Twitter at all hours of the night. School work, yes ma’am, no ma’am and pants pulled over your waist. Small things like that stacked on top of each other equal greatness. Walk as a King, think like a King, Portland. Rise above everyone else.

If Paul Allen doesn’t spend a million on bringing Ray Ray to the Rose Garden tonight, I seriously question his want for winning.