Everyone is always cracking on Bron, Wade, Bosh and the Heat for being nothing but showboating assholes, that scurry away when the bright lights come on. But I’m going to be honest, I don’t get it. You tell me one thing in this video that proves aren’t clearly substance over flash, and I’ll call you a liar. It’s only fitting that Joel Anthony is rocking a scarf in frigid South Beach, Shane Battier the double-popped collars and Eddy Curry an awkward smile.

This whole intro is just an homage to the Hilfigers PAR-TAY and the real big three – Kanye, Rihanna and Kid Cudi. The only thing dangerous than talent is humbled talent. It’s clear the Heat have learned lessons from the browbeating media and haters in loser markets like Milwaukee and Portland.

I can’t wait to see the party these guys throw in June after winning the title. Casual sweaters, lube and disco music gon’ be thumpin’.

JESUS!!!! DAMN THE BURGERS AT THIRSTY LION ARE F’N GOOD!!!

Yeah, you guessed it … the cerveza lovin Meerkat just got back from dinner out with the wife to spew a whole buncha drunken text all over The Sports Brewery front-page.

Just admit it … you jerk to this kinda stuff.

Alright … onto the sports stuff …

I digested a whole day of this NBA-Chris-Paul-to-LA-trade-stuff … and here comes my take … in no particular order … why … well I just swallowed a few Ninkasi Oatmeal Stouts at the restaurant … so chronological accuracy is outta the friggin window (at this point … spell check is frackin wonderful … and yes, that was a battlestar gallactica reference).

After the deal went down:

ESPN’s Stephen A Smith was on the phone with a tearful Lamar Odom … sorry Lamar … bro, you had to know the LA-Kardashian lifestyle would end some day before you retired … especially since you show up in the playoffs only once in awhile. Wipe away the tears chief, you are one of the very few NBA fellas that married into money before your playing days were over. Suck it up.

Wait … it gets better …

Supposedly, Kobe was waiting for CP3 to fly out to LA … unfortunately before Paul could take off … he was informed the deal was struck down by Stern. Ouch. Like … double-fuckin-ouch!

Sheesh … so how does Kobe get all chummy-chummy with Lamar when all the Lakers show up at practice?

UNCOMFORTABLE.

Oh yeah, how does Gasol feel?

Others:

Yeah, there were others affected, but they don’t make national news: Kevin Martin, Luis Scola, Goran Dragic … pawns in the NBA game of chess.

New Orleans:

Wow … has to completely suck being Hornets GM Dell Demps this weekend, right? You just worked your ass off for WEEKS tryin to score the BEST POSSIBLE DEAL for NBA owned New Orleans for the inevitably departing All-Star PG Chris Paul … and you get your Hornets-benefiting deal vetoed by the COMMISH.

SUCKS.

Funniest thing I heard on Friday was this from ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt:

“If I were Demps, I’d show up to work in shorts & tank top and play Words with friends and day-drink”.

Yeah, I’d probably do the same … if I spent weeks on the phone tryin to score the best deal for my team’s future just to get it blocked into row 7 by Dikembe Mutombo.

That blows … Demps should ask for at least a week’s vacation in the Caribbean after that.

David Stern:

Dude, you just fucked yourself in the ass with this hasty decision. I have been saying for a few years now that he has been more like Czar Stern more than Commish Stern. This week has dropped plenty of proof on such. Apparently the small-market owners led by ass-clown extraordinaire Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert (and his stupid email) were enough to dick-slap-across the face of Stern their ridiculous SWAY.

Commissioner,

It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

Over the next three seasons this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes. That $21 million goes to non-taxpaying teams and to fund revenue sharing.

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process. And it doesn’t appear that they would give up any draft picks, which might allow to later make a trade for Dwight Howard (They would also get a large trade exception that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.) When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered an extremely lopsided trade) they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max-salary player).

I just don’t see how we can allow this trade to happen.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way that I do.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

Please advise…

Hey FUCKFACE (aka Gilbert) … maybe you shouldn’t have signed off on the collective bargaining agreement with the players … should have put up a bigger fight! TOO LATE!

The Bill Simmons’ theory is that Czar Stern did so much lobbying to the small market owners to sign the deal … that he caved on the squashing on killing the Paul trade to please the small market teams.

After the smoke has settled … it is obvious that the deal for Chris Paul to LA is a good deal for New Orleans. NOT ONE NBA MEDIA person has said that the Hornets got swindled in the deal. Everyone has more or less said that the Hornets had the better end of the deal.

Ohhhh … but wait.

Where there’s fire:

What the small market owners were really scared of was the idea of the Lakers paving the way for Dwight Howard joining the Lakers after Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol were dealt off. Likely, Andrew Bynum (and other stuff) being dealt off to Orlando in some major deal to bring Howard over to LA and form another three-superstar-team in a major city.

That was the real fear … because obviously, CP3 and Kobe was not enough to send the owners into such a tizzy … they were looking into the foggy-small-market-you-got-no-chance-for-a-title future if CP3 and Howard and Kobe were to team up in LA.

Meanwhile in NY:

Yeah, while everyone was smelling the dutch-oven trade called ‘CP3 to LA’ … Tyson Chandler was getting dealt to the NY Knicks. This is what sucks for the Sixers fan that I am. Chandler brings defense to a Knicks team based solely on offense. Now defensive suckas like Melo and Stoudemire can play their offensive-only game and still look like all-stars and get deep into the playoffs. Damn that sucks. For a moment I thought the Sixers had a shot at the Atlantic flag.

Future:

I feel bad for Portland losing Brandon Roy … when he was the MAN he was the proud flag of the NW … now … I’m not sure Aldridge is ready for that load. Blazers sooooo need Oden to live up.

Sorry Western Conference … but you now SUCK. Better get Dwight Howard over to LA or the Eastern side is gonna dominate for years to come.

Everyone has already seen LeBatard’s “Three Kings” rant before, but it’s so brilliant I’m throwing it up again.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, these guys are 14 inches deep on Danny. And you know what, who cares. When you ooze brilliance like this, you can get away with that. It’s the Elton John rule, don’t argue with it.

General indifference! Jason Terry’s initials spell JET! LeBron no change/4th quarter joke! TAKE DAT WIT CHEW! Who shot JR!?!? Give it to me again! Juwon is old! The Matrix! Strap on!

Seriously, I don’t care what station these guys work for, they don’t make enough. If that video doesn’t have a million hits by the end of the day, I don’t know what I’m doing and will just step away from the keyboard, it’s that good.

This is becoming quite the theme for Macy’s. Either they have the worst ad team ever, or the best. I can’t decide.

Not only did the Heat lose last night, but apparently Macy’s didn’t get the memo that they needed two wins to wrap up the title. Regardless, the Miami Herald ran an ad congratulating the Heat on winning the title.

At least the paper got the header right though.

The Phillies being down 3-1 to the Yanks didn’t stop Macy’s in 2009 either.

Getting into this war of premature ejaculation, was recently JC Penny. Congratulating the Bruins on making it out of the Wales Eastern conference  after losing to someone in game 6. They did eventually make it out of the East, so whatever, they weren’t cocky they were confident..

I can’t be the only one that actually wants the Heat and Phillies shirts, right? In like 45 years no one will remember anyways and while you’re laying on your death bed you can always wax poetic about King James coming up huge and the Phils dynasty. Ski and I already have an August trip planned to Africa to find a couple Oregon Ducks 2011 National Champion tees, may as well hunt one of these out as well.

Word, Lebron. Not one, not two, not 3,4,5,6,or,7. Eh, when he says that, he believes it. Not blowing smoke at the fans, he’s all about business. Not gonna blow smoke at the fans that will wake up even after the Heat somehow don’t win a title with the same problems they had the day before. Yo, Pat Riley was sick against Dallas. Straight killed Barea and JET. An assassin, just throwing that ball up. Gotta feel right wearing that vaunted Miami Heat jersey every night. They made the world know, they made the world know that the Miami heat are back!

Congrats to the Miami Heat! Let’s get that 3-peat next year, boooooyz!

Well I mean, you knew it was coming. Honestly a little tamer than I thought it would be. Heat lose, Cavs fans rejoice, Dan Gilbert enjoys the last 5 seconds of his relevancy. Now onto the lockout…

So the 2011 NBA Draft is even worse than the 2010?  My love for NCAA Hoops has waned this past season because of the lack of star players and monster squads.  Is a wave of mediocrity about to crash on the NBA in 3-5 years when the drafted ballers of June and last June are merely “nice” players?  The rumblings of 7 straight Heat rings may come to fruition.  Fuck me.  Please Mavs, delay the Miami dynasty for at least one spring.

Sheesh … gone are the days of PGs that roll into the Association with solid decision making.  Am I saying the sky is falling?  Watching Westbrook and Rose shoot their teams in the foot numerous times in the conference finals was brutal to take in.  Maybe Kyrie Irving and John Wall will learn from the playoffs (from their couches) and work on cutting back on the turnovers a wee bit.

I tip my cap to LeBron.  Prince James stepped his game up these playoffs and is lookin like the great player the prophecies have said all along.  But I must say, it is nice that he can kick back a couple quarters while D-Wade can make teams look foolish the way he does.  If Dirk steals the ring from Miami, it will be legendary.

Shifting gears.

I laugh at the premature Buster Posey rule chatter.  Anytime a rising star gets hurt there’s gotta be a mob-of-bleeding-hearts or story-seeking-media-types that begin pounding the table for protecting players.  Flag football, tee-ball, bumper-bowling, skee-ball, Wii Sports … these are all for those table-pounders … now go eat some ice cream and take your Pomeranian for a walk.  Buster Posey may have assisted in ousting my squad (the fightins) out of the 2010 NLCS, but I got nothing but respect for the kid and certainly don’t wanna see him go down.  I’m sure he’d stand up and say it’s all part of the game.  On an obnoxious funny note … Buster still has more range than Derek Jeter … heyo!!!

It’s almost June and the Cleveland Indians are still the best team in the AL.  WTF!?!?  Did anyone see this coming?  I’m not hatin … I’m lovin this.  Also lovin the O’s are at .500 in the AL East.  My guess is the Yanks and O’s will be swapping spots in the standings this time in 2012 (the prophecies see the Yanks falling after this summer, don’t hate me, hate the Mayans).

Another gear shift.

The rumblings are beginning.  NFL fans are not happy with the possibility of a delayed season.  See, with June comes the early drippings of hardcore fantasy football nerds salivating over NFL preview magazines.  Then July is here and the moderate NFL fan begins drooling over training camp and the Mort & Adam bus tour.  August means any dude with an interest in violence, sports, cheerleaders, beer, tailgating, MNF, wings, skipping church … will be scouring the internet and boob tube for serious gridiron action/anything.  And  I love Drew Brees calling out the owners for possibly striking the iron while it’s hot (when former union leader gene Upshaw passed away) and trying to do a large money grab.  If one week is missed, especially when week 1 has Giants vs Redskins & Cowboys vs Jets on 9/11 … the owners are gonna look like the front row fans of a Gallagher show … instead of fruit and vegetables it’s gonna be a shit show.  Don’t F with NFL fans of the Northeast.

While on the rumblings roll … I’m hearing more and more that the BCS may break away and create it’s own elite division.  Yeah, this makes perfect sense.  Seriously, it does.  The BCS presidents do not wanna give up their precious bowl system so creating a division of super conferences to avoid the Boise State monkey wrench is the inevitable.  All those mid-major conferences will go into limbo and may get combined with the upper echelon of FCS conferences, creating the largest division of NCAA football … and likely the best playoff system.  Money talks and bowl games have the biggest mouths.

Gear shift, buckle up fucko!

I’m sorry to say this, but … FUCK GOLF.  Tiger is done.  After over a decade of watching Tiger beat bitches up, I can’t draw myself to sit in front of the TV for several hours over a couple days to watch a few Euros and random Americans battle over a major.  Nope.  Not doin no more.  Out.  Of course, if Eldrick is in the final Sunday pairing at the US Open with Phil … I’m front and center like a schoolboy with a crush on his teacher.  #hypocrite-i-am

Yeah, another gear shift, go F urself …

Being a Phillies fan, I have begun an assault on Phillies blogs to let the Fightins nation know we still need a righty-bat with solid OBP skills.  Philly has a team that can run the regular season schedule and strangle the NL East flag.  But good lefty-pitching in the playoffs will handcuff the Phillies lineup.  I don’t wanna go thru another 2010 postseason.  Phillies own the Reds, but SF is trouble and I’m sure we’ll have to go thru them again, even if Posey is not around.  So sometime in July, maybe even early August, GM Amaro better grab some baller-righty-dude to ensure I get plenty of sleep in September.

Okay Reali … what are my fucking fuckups?

Enter Fictional Tony Reali (actually me, just being imaginative, cuz .. I’m like that when I pound a couple handful of IPAs … and no i don’t got big hands, but i used to wait tables back in the day … so i got skillz)

Reali: Doesn’t Rajon Rondo count as a solid young PG?

Me: Of course he does fuckstick, I was thinkin more of the younger slashers that just entered the league and that are more scorers than PGs.

Reali: Why do you keep referring to prophecies when you’re an agnostic?

Me: Maybe I’m more antagonistic than agnostic … bring something strong or go back to your corner and eat cannolis Reali … and tuck ur shirt in you Crisco-finger-dippin-guido!

Reali: Relax.  And explain why you said “Fightins nation”.

Me: [shaking head] I might as well eat a pint of stale chow-dah and call myself a sawx fan … I will now gouge my eyes with the broken pint glass I just smashed against the fuckin wall.

dismissed

Where’s Whitey Sammy Sosa?

Seriously, how is this guy a Heat fan anyways? Like most Heat fans, Mr. Sosa probably didn’t even realize the team existed until after game 5 against the Celtics.

Remember kiddies, don’t do steroids. They’ll turn you into a white person.

If there is a god, the Celtics will beat the Heat in round two. Sure it’s the lesser of two evils, but come on now. No one wants to see the bandwagon residents of Miami make anymore vids like this one, let alone see Bron Bron hoist a trophy next month.

PS-I also hate ‘Cuban guy’ that randomly drops Spanish into the conversation. Chicks gobble that up quicker than they do an NBA players crank, it’s just not fair.