JESUS!!!! DAMN THE BURGERS AT THIRSTY LION ARE F’N GOOD!!!

Yeah, you guessed it … the cerveza lovin Meerkat just got back from dinner out with the wife to spew a whole buncha drunken text all over The Sports Brewery front-page.

Just admit it … you jerk to this kinda stuff.

Alright … onto the sports stuff …

I digested a whole day of this NBA-Chris-Paul-to-LA-trade-stuff … and here comes my take … in no particular order … why … well I just swallowed a few Ninkasi Oatmeal Stouts at the restaurant … so chronological accuracy is outta the friggin window (at this point … spell check is frackin wonderful … and yes, that was a battlestar gallactica reference).

After the deal went down:

ESPN’s Stephen A Smith was on the phone with a tearful Lamar Odom … sorry Lamar … bro, you had to know the LA-Kardashian lifestyle would end some day before you retired … especially since you show up in the playoffs only once in awhile. Wipe away the tears chief, you are one of the very few NBA fellas that married into money before your playing days were over. Suck it up.

Wait … it gets better …

Supposedly, Kobe was waiting for CP3 to fly out to LA … unfortunately before Paul could take off … he was informed the deal was struck down by Stern. Ouch. Like … double-fuckin-ouch!

Sheesh … so how does Kobe get all chummy-chummy with Lamar when all the Lakers show up at practice?

UNCOMFORTABLE.

Oh yeah, how does Gasol feel?

Others:

Yeah, there were others affected, but they don’t make national news: Kevin Martin, Luis Scola, Goran Dragic … pawns in the NBA game of chess.

New Orleans:

Wow … has to completely suck being Hornets GM Dell Demps this weekend, right? You just worked your ass off for WEEKS tryin to score the BEST POSSIBLE DEAL for NBA owned New Orleans for the inevitably departing All-Star PG Chris Paul … and you get your Hornets-benefiting deal vetoed by the COMMISH.

SUCKS.

Funniest thing I heard on Friday was this from ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt:

“If I were Demps, I’d show up to work in shorts & tank top and play Words with friends and day-drink”.

Yeah, I’d probably do the same … if I spent weeks on the phone tryin to score the best deal for my team’s future just to get it blocked into row 7 by Dikembe Mutombo.

That blows … Demps should ask for at least a week’s vacation in the Caribbean after that.

David Stern:

Dude, you just fucked yourself in the ass with this hasty decision. I have been saying for a few years now that he has been more like Czar Stern more than Commish Stern. This week has dropped plenty of proof on such. Apparently the small-market owners led by ass-clown extraordinaire Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert (and his stupid email) were enough to dick-slap-across the face of Stern their ridiculous SWAY.

Commissioner,

It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

Over the next three seasons this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes. That $21 million goes to non-taxpaying teams and to fund revenue sharing.

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process. And it doesn’t appear that they would give up any draft picks, which might allow to later make a trade for Dwight Howard (They would also get a large trade exception that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.) When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered an extremely lopsided trade) they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max-salary player).

I just don’t see how we can allow this trade to happen.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way that I do.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

Please advise…

Hey FUCKFACE (aka Gilbert) … maybe you shouldn’t have signed off on the collective bargaining agreement with the players … should have put up a bigger fight! TOO LATE!

The Bill Simmons’ theory is that Czar Stern did so much lobbying to the small market owners to sign the deal … that he caved on the squashing on killing the Paul trade to please the small market teams.

After the smoke has settled … it is obvious that the deal for Chris Paul to LA is a good deal for New Orleans. NOT ONE NBA MEDIA person has said that the Hornets got swindled in the deal. Everyone has more or less said that the Hornets had the better end of the deal.

Ohhhh … but wait.

Where there’s fire:

What the small market owners were really scared of was the idea of the Lakers paving the way for Dwight Howard joining the Lakers after Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol were dealt off. Likely, Andrew Bynum (and other stuff) being dealt off to Orlando in some major deal to bring Howard over to LA and form another three-superstar-team in a major city.

That was the real fear … because obviously, CP3 and Kobe was not enough to send the owners into such a tizzy … they were looking into the foggy-small-market-you-got-no-chance-for-a-title future if CP3 and Howard and Kobe were to team up in LA.

Meanwhile in NY:

Yeah, while everyone was smelling the dutch-oven trade called ‘CP3 to LA’ … Tyson Chandler was getting dealt to the NY Knicks. This is what sucks for the Sixers fan that I am. Chandler brings defense to a Knicks team based solely on offense. Now defensive suckas like Melo and Stoudemire can play their offensive-only game and still look like all-stars and get deep into the playoffs. Damn that sucks. For a moment I thought the Sixers had a shot at the Atlantic flag.

Future:

I feel bad for Portland losing Brandon Roy … when he was the MAN he was the proud flag of the NW … now … I’m not sure Aldridge is ready for that load. Blazers sooooo need Oden to live up.

Sorry Western Conference … but you now SUCK. Better get Dwight Howard over to LA or the Eastern side is gonna dominate for years to come.

Aint it grand to live in a democratic society! One where the evils of Jerry Buss, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul and the entire scummy Lakers organization can’t just snap their fingers and make things so!

via Adrian Wojnarowski

Kudos to the other NBA owners who stood up for what is right in the country, and refused to cower to the vindictive, cheating and disgusting Lakers organization. Getting CP3 from a league-owned Hornets teams is so unfair, it had to be stopped. It’s like the rich ass snobby bully on the playground offering a PBJ and the poorest kid in his class for the entire set of mint condition Charmander cards, because he’s so fucking hungry, he has to say yes. And much like the hall monitor, league owners stepped in here and courageously stopped this heinous deal from happening.

Standing up to dictators and ass holes is what makes America what it is, I am so proud right now. Order has been restored!

Awww…poor little Kobe. Could this guy be any bigger of dick if he tried? I know in Laker fans eyes a couple of rings post-Shaq and all was forgiven for the Mamba, but come on. Calling referee Bernie Adams a ‘fucking faggot’ just seems par for the course for this guy. Lakers fan will brush this off like it’s no big deal, because come on it’s the NBA, they all have potty mouths! And while true, I think Steve Kerr’s reaction kind of sums it up “You might wanna take the cameras off of him right now, for the children watching from home,”

Can you imagine if lets say…Matt Boner had hurled a certain slur that was caught on camera in last night’s Lakers/Spurs game? Oh man would that be a shit storm of Biblical proportions.

Kobe is a fuck-stick, period. No You Tube vids of him jumping over cars, purple diamonds for his wife and extreme underbites after a clutch jumper are going to change that fact. Here’s to the Kings leaving Sacramento on a little bit of a high (more on that later) by beating the homophobic Kobester and his Lakers tonight.

PS-what is it with high profile LA athletes hating the gays all of a sudden? First Matt Barkley and now Kobe. Don’t they realize that LA LA land is full of em?

With the worst regular season in major sports winding down lets take a look at the type of teams you’ll see in the greatest playoffs in all of the major sports.  I’m not taking into account potential match ups, just looking at my general feelings of the potential playoff teams.  Once the seedings are final we will take a look at the individual match ups  and hopefully have a TSB predictions post.  On to the playoff teams.

Proof the NBA has too many playoffs teams:

Indiana Pacers – Granger is nice, but any NBA team with Psycho-T and Mike Dunleavy is bound to get rolled in the first round.  It’s a good thing for the Pacers the East is garbage because they are not a legitimate playoff team.

Philadelphia 76ers – /doesn’t give a shit.

New York Knicks – 2 games over .500 despite having runs of 13-1 and 7-0.  Eventhough they have two studs in Carmelo Anthony and Antoine Amare Stoudemire the Knicks struggle.  They haven’t figured out how to incorporate Billups and Anthony into the team and I don’t think Dantoni is the man to do it.  Man the East is garbage.

Just Happy To Be There:

New Orleans Hornets – Limping to the finish line after starting the season 11-1.  Injury to West hurts.

Memphis Grizzlies – Good season for the Grizz making the playoffs for the first time since 2006.  With a descent core of players to build around they should be back next season.

Possible Party Crashers:

Portland Trailblazers – Hell of a job by the Blaze keeping it together this year while they transitioned from being B-Roy’s team to LaMarcus Aldridge’s teams.  The addition of Wallace has been great.  Not only is he a high energy guy that can do a number of things on the court, his toughness has seemed to rub off on the Frenchie.  In fact Batum has really embraced his role coming off of the bench.  The Blaze could win a series or two.

Orland Magic – The Magic went through an identity change to start the year, then again mid season and have never seemed to find their rythm.  However there is a lot of talent on that team and if they do figure it out they could win a series or two.  Any time you have the most dominant big man in the game you have a chance in the NBA Playoffs.

Denver Nuggets – Like the Blaze the Nugs have done a great job of transforming their team.  While they Blaze had to do it due to injuries, the Nugs did it after trading away their two best players in Billups and Anthony.  The Nugs could win a series or two as well, but they are not legitimate contenders.

Chronic Underachievers:

Atlanta Hawks – Has a group of players done less with as much talent the Hawks have had over the last few years?  Maybe they win a series, but no way the put together a serious run.

Dallas Mavericks – Just like the Hawks I wouldn’t be surprised if  Dallas won a series, but this group has been the poster boys for underachieving since their Rory Mcilroy-esque finals collapse in 2006.  After winning 67 games in 2007 (6 more than the next best team),  they became the first ever #1 to lose in the first round since the 7 game series format.  In 2010 they became the only team to ever lose in the first round as a #2 seed in a best of 7 format.  It’s no wonder that the #5-#8 seeds are hoping to draw the Mavericks in the West.

The Favorites…2 months ago:

San Antonia Spurs – While they haven’t fallen as far as Boston has, it’s still hard to consider the Spurs the favorites at this point.  While they are the leagues best 3-point shooting team, they don’t score in the paint.  And the team that gets the most easy buckets wins in the NBA Playoffs.  Although bonus points for having the best coach in the Association.

Boston Celtics – They Perkins trade was their death sentence.  This team lost their identity at that point and haven’t found a new one yet.  Horrible trade.  The Celtics are 9 of the their last 20 and haven’t had a 5 game win streak where at least one of those teams was a playoff team since the first of December.

Young With Something to Prove:

Oklahoma City Thunder – The Thunders where the beneficiaries of Boston’s panic trade of Perkins.  Already flush with scorers the Thunder were more than happy to trade away green for a tough inside presence.  With Perkins and Ibaka controlling the paint on the defensive end and Durant and Wesbrook owning it on the offensive side the Thunder have the tools to contend for a championship.  Don’t be surprised if they win the west this year.

Chicago Bulls – The Bulls have had an incredible regular season.  With this year’s MVP and a tough defense they are contenders to win the East.  Noah and Boozer provide toughness down low and Rose has proven to be a great leader this year.  However I want to see them do it before making them the favorites.  I worry about Rose being their only legitimate scoring threat.  In a 7 game series teams might beable to slow him down.

The Favorites, But By No Means Locks:

Miami Heat – The favorite in the east by default.  They have two super duper stars that have proven they can take over a playoff season.  They play good defense and have won 14 of their last 17 including wins against Boston, LA, Spurs, Griz, Nugs and Hawks.  But it wouldn’t shock me if they lost in the 2nd round in epic fashion.

La Lakers – The two time defending champions have to be considered as the favorites both in the West and to win the whole thing.  But they are certainly vulnerable.  Artest is a shell of his former self, Kobe is a year older and Gasol and Bynum are still pussies.  Their recent 5 game slide is concerning, but it is coming off the heels of a 17 for 18 stretch where they were beating playoff teams left and right.  By no means are they a lock, but they are the champs until someone knocks them off.

Jeez Kobe, chill out bro, it was only one game. In what sort of fucked up world am I in where Kobe ‘Eagle’ Bryant is now like this stand up, hardworking face-of-all-the-is-good, type of guy? I think the Mayans were right, we got tsunamis taking out Japan, gas about to go up to $4647 a gallon, the Heat win a big game and an NBA player is working hard before June 1st. Clearly the end is near.

Again, ease up, Kobe. You would never see Bron Bron pull something like that, take note.

The worst month in sports is upon us thanks to a giant BCS/Super Bowl hangover, so it’s just easier to touch on a few things at once.  Thankfully the month of February is the shortest of the year.

-Kobe and the Lakers are in the midst of a road trip to get everyone off their back.  The win against the Knicks at the Garden last night was a nice win, but when they took it to the Celtics two nights before the Lakers did all the work they needed to.  Really this is working out perfectly for the team.  Of all their recent regular seasons this is the one they need to coast the longest for as their age is starting to get in the way.  The Lakers never needed to prove anything to me – just look at the 4th seeded Celtics from last year.  When it got to playoff time the Celtics quickly showed the East who’s boss.  Even if the Lakers don’t jump the Spurs and/or Mavs in the standings, the playoffs are still set up for them to be the favorite in the West.  Any takers?

-Good ol’ Karl tossed out some gems to back up his long time coach Jerry Sloan.

“You’re a professional,” said Malone, a two-time NBA Most Valuable Player and one of greatest power forwards in league history. “You don’t need for me to break a film down for you. If you want to stop the guy you’re playing, they pay you millions of dollars. You get you a TV and break the player down yourself.”

“If I got something to say or do to a man, I’m going to look that man in the eye and tell him what is going to happen. That’s just me now.”

From a distance, Deron Williams really looks like a jack ass in this ordeal.  So he has a trump card as the star of an NBA team, big freaking whoop.  Give his body a few more grinding seasons and he will be an average point guard.  Seriously, give this situation time to pass and he will be remembered as the guy who ran Jerry Sloan out of town and couldn’t even show the man or organization a bit of respect and leadership by showing up to the press conference.  No player did.

-Tiger is 1 off the pace in Dubai.  Not that that means a ton at this point, but I hope to see him playing well heading into the Masters.  The golf season is long ass grind, yet the golf season that I care about and watch is all of 4 tournaments long, 5 on Ryder Cup years.  Please, Tiger, (or Phil or Ernie or Paddie…) don’t summon the golf watching world on Sunday at the Masters to Jim Nantz’ poetic rant on the epic journey some old timer took to get his first major title.  Nobody watches the NBA Finals to see Brian Scalabrine take over in the 4th quarter and we don’t watch golf to see a no name become victorious when other guys deliver a slew of chunks, chilly dippers, and  boom-a-rangs.

ESPN - Pau Gasol appeared to be sleep-walking through much of the Lakers’ embarrassing loss to the Memphis Grizzlies at the Staples Center on Sunday. It turns out that might not have been too far from the truth.

“My alarm didn’t go off so I woke up past the time,” Gasol said. “I still went to shootaround, just a little later than I should have been.”

But a team official said Tuesday that Gasol missed the team’s entire morning shootaround.

Three Lakers in all said they did not get up on time because the alarm clocks on their iPhones malfunctioned that morning, but Gasol was the only one who didn’t show up at all, sources said. Luke Walton was one of the other two Lakers who arrived late. The third Laker was not identified but sources said it was not Kobe Bryant. 

Widespread alarm issues had been reported by iPhone users across the world citing a New Year’s glitch with the Apple product.

Not sure what’s worse here: the ‘my alarm didn’t go off’ excuse or that Apple got Y2k’d 11 years later. 

For my money, it’s Apple.  I don’t excuse Pau, Luke Walton, or the non-Kobe Laker who can’t spend .000000002% of their daily earnings on an alarm clock (frankly, I’d rather hear them say “I just didn’t get my fucking lazy ass outta bed” instead of my alarm didn’t go off).  But I’m laughing way more at Apple.  A glitch about the date on a phone?  For an industry-leading tech company? 

Maybe I just hate Apple and how they’ve suckered people into thinking we need 100,000 completely different ways to communicate in the same language and how spending $700 on a dvd player iPad is a good investment.  But that’s how I feel.

Yahoo Sports-The most eligible bachelorette in tennis is off the market.

Three-time Grand Slam champion Maria Sharapova got engaged to her boyfriend Los Angeles Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic, after he proposed on Tuesday night at his Manhattan Beach, Calif. home. The two had been dating for nearly a year. TMZ was the first to report the news. Sharapova’s agent has since confirmed it to CNBC’s Darren Rovell.

Sharapova and Vujacic first went public with their relationship last November when they were seen cuddling at a U2 concert in Los Angeles. Since then, the relationship has become the fodder of tabloids and paparazzi, as the athletes have been photographed together in Los Angeles and Italy, where they vacationed.

This

Nice Hairband Bro

Is With This

Is this real life right now? Sasha fucking Vujacic is marrying Maria Sharapova. I’m so speechless right now that I don’t even know what to do. Vujabitch really? How Vujabitch managed to pull this is now one of the new wonders of the world. It’s not that Sharapova is the hottest women in the world, she is a hot athlete don’t get me wrong, but uglier dudes have puled hotter chicks before. No the problem with this is that it’s Sasha Vujabitch. There isn’t a player in all my life that I hate more than Vujabitch. With his girls hairband that he rocks, to his flopping, to just how he plays on the court, and oh yeah he has been gifted with 2 championship rings for doing nothing (He actually has hurt them in the playoffs with his play more than he has helped). You combine all that with the fact that he’s a Laker, and now this. Tell me you don’t hate this guy now as well.

So keeping praying to god or whatever demon you sold your soul to for this life Sasha, and have fun on the bench all year this year as a whiter, slower player jumps you on the depth chart (Steve Blake).

Big news at this time is that Chris Bosh has decided to join Wade in Miami as the newest member of the Heat. Immediately this makes the Heat a contender in the eastern conference. Lots of people are gonna go on saying now that they are the favorites. I am not one of those people. Obviously if they land Lebron as well that could change. If Lebron signs with someone else (I think he should), the Heat are still not better than the Lakers, and they probably aren’t as complete a team as the Magic. This gives them a total of 4 players on the roster now with Bosh and Wade joining Beasely and Chalmers. Unless they make another big signing I still don’t see them winning a championship. They will need to add about 8 more guys to complete the roster and for their sake some of these guys better be players.

The one thing they could really use is a center. Someone like a Kendrick Perkins would be perfect to complement “the big 2.” A big man who takes up space and doesn’t need the ball would be the perfect fit. We’ll soon find out what the Heat are going to do but for right now I still don’t think Bosh is enough to put them over the top.