NBA Free Agency: All those other dudes!

Posted on 30. May, 2010 at 3:00 am by Meerkat in Basketball, NBA Basketball

Yeah, yeah, yeah … let’s put the LeBron-Dwyane-Chris chatter on the back-burner for awhile, please.  This summer’s NBA free agent list is not limited to just the big three, but obviously, the hoops landscape will forever be changed if they all depart their current cities (highly unlikely).

(okay, does Carlos Boozer look like he’s grabbing his junk or Dirk’s junk in the picture?)(yeah, you won’t sleep tonight until you know right?!)

So let’s chew some fat and scan over all the rest.  Hope you’re hungry for a large text sandwich because that is what I’m serving up here.  I’m breaking down the guys just below the big three and adding in my Sixers take like it’s the cheese-whiz dipping sauce.

Now look to the right fucker … and notice where the scroll bar is … yeah … this is gonna be a mental workout …

(hint: go fetch your literary version of Tums)

GUARDS

Joe Johnson – SG (6-8)

If Joe wants to play close to home, he’ll need a team to sprout up in Arkansas where he grew up.  That certainly isn’t happening, so his best close-to-home choices are:

• Atlanta (his current team)
• Memphis (they might stick with OJ Mayo)
• OKC (imagine Durant, Westbrook, and Johnson)
• Dallas (Terry and Butler already there)
• New Orleans (does Marcus Thornton have job security?)

What about squads that might need a SG:

• Charlotte … is Stephen Jackson expendable?  Play for MJ?
• Cleveland … is Delonte “sleeping with ya mom” West expendable?  If LeBron stays.
• Milwaukee … John Salmons is a free agent as well.
• Minnesota … Brewer is a good defender, but SG is about scoring.  And Wolves want E-Turner.
• New Jersey … Courtney Lee … really?  Play for Jay-Z?
• New York … the Knicks need all kinds of help.

Hmmm … looks like OKC, NJ and NY are nice fits.

Sixers Slant /// Philly could use an upgrade from Willie Green, but also can select E-Turner with #2 pick … and I’m not sure I want Johnson on my team after watching that Hawks team play like a bunch of dogs (with fleas) in the playoffs.

(by the way … that was a reference to Wall Street … in case you didn’t catch that … and yes, Gordon Gekko is a classic movie villain)

(oliver stone made 2 great films … “platoon” and “wall street” … watch them if you have not already … he’s made crap since)

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Ray Allen – SG (6-5)

Would the big 3 in Boston really break up?  Doubtful.  Ray knows his best days are behind him and staying with Garnett and Pierce in Beantown is the way to go.  Unless, of course, LeBron does some serious recruiting from his chosen city.  Allen will be a Celtic again.  Besides, doesn’t Ray’s mom just look adorable cheering on her son in that Celtic gear?!?

Sixers Slant /// I can see new coach Doug Collins make a run at Allen if he doesn’t take E-Turner in the draft.  A solid veteran leader would be a nice pickup for the Sixers.

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John Salmons – SG (6-7)

I could see him as a Derek Fisher replacement in LA, cuz everyone knows, Phil loves big guards that can defend … that is Salmons.  Otherwise, he’ll probably stay in Milwaukee if he doesn’t get traded; he won’t get a better offer from anyone else I suspect.  All of this is moot if John decides to not opt out of his contract.

Sixers Slant /// Collins desires a defensive heavy squad … if he still needs a 2-guard come early July, Salmons might be coming back to Philly.  Not sure how I’d feel about it … kinda like eating a grilled-cheese sandwich for dinner, though mighty tasty, you think you could of had something better.

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Raymond Felton – PG (6-1)

Who needs an avg PG?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Sixers Slant /// Don’t need him, don’t want him.

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FORWARDS

Dirk Nowitzki – PF (7-0)

I have said before, if Dirk wants to win a trophy, he’s got to get outta Dallas!  Czar Stern does not want Cuban to win the big one.  Run Dirk, run!  How about this … Dirk rejoins his bud Nash in Phoenix and let the good times roll.  This is possible if Amar’e opts out of his contract, if so, the door opens wide for Dirk.

(note to self … I really gotta take an hour or two and photoshop an epic Czar Stern image)

Would Dirk meet up with LeBron and Dwyane for a possible combo deal?  Dirk wants a ring, so he’s not gonna bolt Dallas unless he can join a squad that is playoff ready or has serious star power.

Phoenix, Cleveland, Miami, Dallas are the only choices I can imagine.  Maybe Chicago.

Sixers Slant /// Would love if the Sixers could ship out Elton Brand with a Herr’s bag of chips to make room for Nowitzki.  Then Bratwurst could be a staple at the Wachovia Center … Italian Sausage would take a back seat … not sure how the South Philly Italians would take to that.  Fuck’m!  They got their Rocky statue!

(note to self … after last comment … let some poor schmuck start my car for me)

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Amar’e Stoudmire – PF (6-10)

He’s gotta opt out of his contract first.  And does he really want to leave Steve Nash?  He would be a complete moron if he did, unless … that Dwyane Wade guy comes calling and convinces him that Miami is where championships are won.  Certainly, his old Suns coach will give him a call and throw a bag of cash at him to lure him to New York.  Then there is the lure of playing with Wade in Miami.

Sixers Slant /// Though Amar’e can score, I play more defense from my couch than he does on the court.  Coach Collins wants defenders not matadors.

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Carlos Boozer – PF (6-9)

Who would like a bruising PF with double-double game?  Uh, just about everyone.  Boozer does not really have a hometown to go back to, so playing close to family is not a factor.  He will go where the paycheck dictates, I assume could be anywhere.  But these are my top spots:

• Charlotte … If Larry Brown convinces his wife to keep coaching in NC (even though the kids and wife are in Philly)(damn!  Larry is such a player!), then I know Brown would love to add Boozer to his squad.  Larry loves smart-versatile forwards.
• Portland … Carlos would be a dream PF for the Blazers if they could work a sign-and-trade with LaMarcus “the pillow” Aldridge.
• Detroit … The Pistons love tough guys, so Auburn Hills would be a very landable spot for Carlos.

I think Detroit is almost a lock.  Book it Dano!

Sixers Slant /// Again, can numbskull GM Stefanski get another GM drunk one night so Elton Brand can be dished off to another team?!  Is this feasible?  I’d love a grinder like Boozer in a Philly uni.  Please Ed, somehow catch lightning in a bottle.

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(note to self … Full Sail’s IPA is not as good as their Hop Pursuit)

(yeah, that’s right, I sometimes drink when I blog, put the kids to bed and tell the wife to put on something naughty, it might get rated R soon)

Ladies lookin for athletes or rappers
Whatever you choose, whatever you do
Make sure he a thug and intelligent too
Like a real thoroughbred is, show me love
Lemme feel how the head is

(… it’s Nas … I roll like that after the buzz takes effect … can’t handle it … then tell mommy to fetch your binky)

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Paul Pierce – SF (6-6)

Much like Ray Allen, he probably isn’t goin anywhere.  Besides, he’s always been a Celtic, he’s not gonna leave now … right?!  Let’s move on.

Sixers Slant /// He ain’t leaving Boston.  And fuck the Celtics!

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CENTERS

Yao Ming – C (7-6)

Yao has to opt out of his current Houston deal first to even think about exploring the market.  With the next free agent true center being Brendan Haywood, seems like Yao could go wherever he desires, depending on his health status.  Yao brings buckets of cash to a team because of his immensely large following back in China, so some squads may wanna push the envelope to get a health risk in Ming.  That or do they really love table tennis.  (oh, was that a profiling racist joke? … i don’t think so … we need to lighten up as a society anyways … i’m here to help … like racial morphine)

• New York … the money and the global attraction could be a perfect fit.
• Golden State … imagine Chinatown having a biblical orgasm … oops, sorry … what is the Confucius synonym for biblical?
• Toronto … This would be a perfect international fit for both.
• New Orleans … how does Yao say “show me your titties” in Chinese?! (for mardi gras)

He’ll probably work out a deal with Houston, but I see him in NY or Toronto if things fall apart.

Sixers Slant /// God damn!  That big Asian would be so outta place in a Sixers uni it would be like those Manute Bol days.  Except, of course, Yao actually has game when he’s healthy.  I would love him if he could stay on the court.

(sorry, but i remember watching this the year it happened … classic … if you did not know … Manute could bury 3s like nobody)

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Yeah
This time I’m ‘a let it all come out
This time I’m ‘a stand up and shout
I’m ‘a do things my way
It’s my way
My way, or the highway

(tssssscccchhhh … yeah … beer #4 is opened … and that was Limp Bizkit)

Go fuck yourself!

(sorry, but listening to Bizkit makes you wanna randomly curse … kinda like having Tourette’s)

whores!

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Alright, how about the rest of the rest …

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David Lee – PF (6-9)

Does anyone care about David Lee?  Sorry, to be honest, I have not watched this dude play 3 seconds.  Cannot give an informed thought at all.  Moving on.

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Shaq – C (7-1)

The dude will play for any team that will take him … he wants to keep playing because he loves the limelight.  I hope he retires because I can’t stand him.  If anyone deserves the nickname of “Big Baby” it’s O’Neal.  Go fuck yourself Shaq!  (no, Bizkit did not influence that reaction, pure unadulterated hatred did)

(fucker … I thought Full Sail IPA had 6% ALC … I’m not feelin it yet!  Or am I?!)

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Udonis Haslem – PF (6-8)

Haslem could be that missing piece for a team that is one role player away from making a jump in the standings.  If Bosh goes to Miami, obviously Haslem will be moving on.  So where does he go?  Hmmm.  How about Toronto?  So he’s basically swapping spots with Bosh.  That is reasonable, right?

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Travis Outlaw – SF (6-9)

Ohhh, does he come back to Portland?  Nope.  Travis could end up almost anywhere.  He can be a starter on a bad team or a solid 6-man on a good team.  He’ll need to watch where all the starters end up before he gets his turn to sign.

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Nate Robinson – PG (5-9)

Anyone want a short dunk contest guy?  Seriously, the dude is simply an offensive punch off the bench … much like that Vinny Johnson from the Pistons back in the day.

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Wow … if you have read this far … pat yourself on the back … grab a cold Gatorade … you deserve it.  There are plenty more free agents to comment on … but I’m gonna stop here … why?  Because nobody really cares about guys like Steve Blake, Jordan Farmar, Luke Ridnour (sorry Ducks fans), Channing Frye (sorry loyal Blaze fans), Carlos Arroyo (sorry Puerto Ricans).

This post is over … you don’t have to go home … but you can’t stay here.

Tags: NBA Basketball